anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

auto-pilot.

I'm in school right now. It's 9.53 a.m. My only class for the day is at 1.30 p.m. Granted, I intended to come earlier to get some readings done because I don't have time for it tonight, but the initial plan was to come at 10. And I've been sitting here since 9.15.

And guess what time I woke up? 7.40.

Guess what time I slept - sorry, "slept"? 4.10 a.m.

And guess what else? I barely slept at all. In fact, I'd hazard that I had a grand total of an hour's worth of sleep.

I think I'm operating on auto pilot right now. I will need a lot, a lot of coffee.

And then there's always the question of whether there's any reasonable basis to wonder if the existence of a sign is to be read into the strange, uncanny coincidence of what happens in a dream and what happens in real life. I was into dream interpretation for a while, way back in secondary school, but I've lost interest along the way because I thought it was all quite pointless.

And that's the watch phrase: If it's pointless, don't bother.

Because there's this goal in my head and things that do not pertain, directly or indirectly, to the said goal, also known as the Point, do not serve the point. Therefore, they are pointless. Therefore, they are immaterial. And therefore, I will actively go out of my way to not give a damn.

It's been two days of school proper and I'm beginning to feel a little bit of what I felt and how I felt during my A Level year. And people who knew me then can testify to the plain fact that I wasn't a very pleasant person. I think I get like this - no, scratch that, I know I get like this. Like completely self-centered, completely petty with her time, irritated when people try to detract me from utilising my time to get what I want. There's always a trade-off, you see. I suspect that one of the reasons why I've managed to be merry and not alienate all my friends so far is because I never gave a shit about law over the past 2 years.

But things have changed. My pride is at stake, I am not getting what I want, I am not getting what I know I can get. And many times, what drives me isn't anything realistic or practical or useful; it's pride. It's about pride, and I think it's always been about pride.

Well, it doesn't matter how I get there, right? As long as I get there. How anti-deontologist. I can't remember the word for it but yeah.

Speaking of deontology, I'm not afraid of my Rational Social Choice intensive anymore. Last night's class was good and for some strange, obscure reason, I quite like what I'm doing.

I suppose it's for the same strange, obscure reason I grew to like Economics in JC.

Fun lah. That's all.

I need to read John Locke.

(Sidenote: I STILL think of Terry O'Quinn when I think of John Locke. It's extremely annoying. Fuck you, Lost.)

Tags: angst, law school, lost, neb, personal
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