A Brief Theory of Why I'm Gonna Remain Single Forever:
The idea of social choice is to make a choice, C(S), from a set of available social states, S. All other things remaining equal, the two social states available to choose from are: Being with a partner you like, x, and being with a partner you love, y.
x is an element of C(S) if and only if x is an element of S and for no y that is available in S that is preferred to x. Because why choose x when you can choose y? The logic in this maximising notion of the social choice lies in the obvious conclusion that one would not choose x if one prefers y. In fact, x would not exist as an element of S if one thinks that y is better than x according to one's social choice criteria.
What is a social choice criteria? There is the Pareto Principle, the Liberal principle, etc, all of which are not applicable to the present case. One's social choice criteria in this case would be, I don't know, the pursuit of happiness, or the maximisation of happiness, or the maximisation of one's ability to live life to the fullest. Now, according to this social choice criteria, y is preferred to x. Choosing x is settling for less, which does not maximise happiness and neither does it maximise one's ability to live life to the fullest.
Therefore, x is not element of C(S); y is.
And that is exactly why I'm going to remain single.
School wasn't merely shitty. It was fucking shitty. It was so shitty that I can't come up with the right words to describe how shitty it was.
And it doesn't help that I can't remember when was the last time I properly slept. Tris was the victim of my sleep-deprived delirium this morning; hours later, over lunch, I began spacing out and staring blankly into space. During PPL lecture I found myself on the brink of nodding off a few times.
Have I mentioned that I'm in PPL A? And that class is at fucking 9.30 AM? And that I would much rather be in the 12 noon class for obvious reasons and beyond?
Also, how do you deal with a constant reminder of what you were supposed to have, but end up not having? And what do you do when said constant reminder goes the extra mile of rubbing it in your face? I mean, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Really. I don't know what I would've done without it. Fuck.
A lot of things really aren't worth it in this world. A lot of things you thought mattered ultimately turn out to be utterly insignificant and heart-wrenchingly disappointing. And it's only in the light of such realisations that you truly cherish the things that ARE worth it, that ARE significant, things that are constant as the Northern star, things that are a given no matter what, things that stay with you that survive the vicissitudes of life and time and the tragic human condition called ____ that starts with the letter L. Friends, family, and the self - especially the self.
Sometimes, there's really nothing left to be said anymore and, as a result of the preceding condition, there is an extreme failure on my part to see the point. You can't move back to Point A if you started from Point A, and you can't attempt to create a Point A' because there is no point in doing so.
It is what it is. This is an angsty blog entry.
Sleep-deprivation does wonders for your general strength. Can you sense the sarcasm? I felt so incredibly weak at 4-ish, such that I thought it was hunger pangs and I went to buy a honey dew when I could stomach the act of entering the canteen. But it turned out, and I found out, it wasn't hunger pangs, because I skipped dinner due to an absence of any sort of appetite whatsoever. It was the fact that I slept at most an hour and a half.
I can't believe I'm still up. I haven't done my readings. I read four pages of the stuff required for the next Rational Social Choice seminar and I found myself not comprehending the bloody tree diagram, fuck. I also haven't finished my John Locke readings and I'm meeting the Year 4 guy who's my presentation partner on Friday after Evidence. Oh god, what perfect timing for whatever.
Stereophonics in Rewind asks, "If you could rewind your time would you change your life?"
At this juncture? Due to the immense and unprecedented state of sleep deprivation that I'm in, as well as the immense and unprecedented nature of the shit I find myself having to face, I am inclined in a way I haven't been in a while to answer "yes".
On the bright side - yes, there is a bright side - someone surprised me today (yesterday - I'm writing about Wednesday) when he asked me why I was in school on Wednesday; didn't I have Wednesdays off? I must not have bitched to him about having some joint seminars on my free day of the week then, and therefore I took it upon myself to bitch in three seconds to him about the shitty arrangements (bright side: TYL is AMAZING. He makes PPL come to life. I totally love the module but I still fucking hate my seminar grouping).
And it was surprising because it was the kind of information that a typical person would forget. And I'm done wasting my time on typical persons. If you want to invest your time and effort and energy, you better make sure you pick someone extraordinary, atypical, and worthy. Because most of the time, people fall short - period.
Watching 881 with Mel was good too, as was the heart-to-heart we had after. Mel is an important fixture in my life. Sometimes I consider her boyfriend to have a thief's title to her because she was mine first and my title is DEFINITELY stronger than his because mine is, like, a fucking owner's title, hello? So, yeah. Mel rules my world.
School is pretty good, actually. My modules are awesome (although Rational Social Choice is to me now what Economics was to me then: I listen, I understand, two hours later I forget), I see my friends every day, and I'm actually being friendly to people in general this year, which I find amazing. I talk to people - like, wow. Of course, I don't talk to everyone because there are still people whose existence I don't care to acknowledge, but generally, I talk to people. And I don't do it in a superficial, plastic "oh I'm nice to you to your face when in fact I think you're scum" sort of way, because like Mag, I'm not that kind of person and quite frankly people like that rub me the wrong way. Diplomacy and hypocrisy - thin, thin line separating the two. And it's good talking to people and genuinely want to talk to people. Really.
This Year 1 guy who might be reading this saw me in the Mooters' room on Tuesday and came in and said hi. Initially, I was like, "Uh, who are you?"
He said, "I'm Tong's friend."
My first reaction was, "Which one?"
Then he said "JJC" and everything fell into place. He's yet another person who knows me through my blog. And somehow, it's comforting to have SOME link to Jurong Junior in the current Year 1 batch. Because, you know, I feel rather left out when my friends are identifying their guy friends left right centre, because no one from dear ol' Jurong Junior Class of 2004 made it to law, besides myself and Jasmin. It'd be fun to say hi to old classmates but since that's an impossibility, saying hi to someone who's friends with old classmates is good, too.
I think I should sleep. I'm going down to Kent Ridge later for some official business. We'll see how that pans out. But I will conveniently meet Simon and Justin for lunch. YAY! I wonder what the new Arts canteen is like.