I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what it is that I sacrificed the relationship for. I don't know what went wrong in my head. I don't know how I managed to push away someone who was always on my side, no matter how many reasons I gave him to give up on me - but I did. I am an idiot. I wish I had done things differently - that I'd talked to him about what was bothering me, with a view to resolving things, instead of keeping everything to myself and letting the discontent and unhappiness fester and grow, until they overrode the love and affection that I had for him. I wish I'd made an actual attempt to get a job in Amsterdam instead of coming home with my tail between my legs, mostly in fear of repeating the awful experience I had in London. If only I could just drop everything now and go to him...but I'm not that kind of person. I'm not prone to hysterical displays of passion. I don't like to take risks, especially when the pay-off is uncertain. There's also still the question of whether we'd ever go back to the way things were when we met, whether we can ever recapture most of that sheer perfection, if I can see myself spending my life with him once more.
The damage has been done. He has no reason to want to try again from a distance after what I did to him. Even if he wanted to, I have little confidence that I wouldn't go back to my condescending ways.
I just wish things could be simpler. I am sick to death of the constant unhappiness.
Somebody wrote a book about his obsession with Roger Federer which Julian Barnes reviewed. I still find it incredible that this book is even published, because who would even think that writing about one's obsession with a famous person would be remotely interesting to someone else, let alone publishable? I am aware that the 'Roger Federer' tag is one of the biggest ones here, but this is my livejournal and I write in it whatever I want, and no one has to read it if it's boring. More importantly, I am so mad that I didn't think of writing it first. It wouldn't even have required that much effort; I could've just trawled through the 'Roger Federer' entries here and put them together into a coherent narrative. Done.
Alas, I am too late.
I am too tired to write a proper entry. I don't know what else to say. I stopped by the CCAB courts to say hi to Susan, the woman I used to play tennis with, who was playing doubles in a friendly tournament there. I ended up running into my cousin, who was also playing. I didn't even know she played tennis.
Looking at some of the teams made me wish I'd signed up; I could've probably made the semi-finals in this field, if I'd also picked a reliable partner. Half of them were beginners. Okay, I have to say that I hate playing beginners because their shots are weird, unpredictable and often hit the frame and fall really short, but at least they wouldn't be able to return 50% of my shorts and shitty, limp serves. I would've got a lot of free points. I would probably proceed to lose to Leona, the 50-ish woman who is fit and really good, and whoever she partnered, but it still would've been a better showing than my disastrous singles performance.
I haven't played doubles in ages and I strangely rather miss it. In any event, I'm finally returning to the Singapore Island Country Club court tomorrow after the passage of many years since I played there a couple of times. I'm so excited. I really hope it doesn't rain.