anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

the point being?

I want to apply for Warwick's international office scholarship thingy but I have to write 150 words in support of my application, outlining my proposed area of study and my academic interests.

I have absolutely no idea what to say.

Jeez Yelen, how difficult is it to write 150 words? That's barely a paragraph. It should be easy, right?

Well, what do you know. How many things are there in life that are supposed to be easy, that should be easy, but really, just...aren't? If I were to make a list I think that'd certainly take me quite a while.

I was up til 4 a.m. writing desperate last-minute notes to take into my Crim exam. My hand almost broke, but more importantly, I was really quite sick of the subject. At the 1934529584th drug trafficking case I snorted in incredulity and wondered why these stupid people don't just go get a fucking job like the rest of us and do something with their lives. And it was with that thought that made me even aware of how jaded I am, because it is a thought that I would pass unsavoury judgement on others for harbouring, not one that I would ever have thought I would think. Law is law, and then there's ambiguity. What IS the point anyway? I can keep pretending I was in it solely for the money but from the looks of it going into the money-spinning aspects of the profession will definitly induce me to kill myself, and the truth is, I had some ideals when I started law school and increasingly, these ideals are starting to look insignificant and pointless. What is the point of having the right to a trial if the trial seems to pay lip service to the idea of the trial more than anything else? What is the point of defending a (useless) criminal if you're going to lose the case by default anyway, and even if you win there's no guarantee or even some sort of a possibility that the said criminal is going to stop being useless and do something useful with his stupid life? What is the point of feeling perturbed by certain interpretations of the Penal Code, especially by a certain recently-retired CJ, when the law isn't going to change no matter how much noise you make?

And, lastly, the million dollar question: What is the point of staying in a course and feeling miserable, only to get out of it with a degree you don't even want to bloody use and knowing, all along, that your happiness is to be found elsewhere? Even if the latter is a gamble, don't you have to make some gambles in order to find what you want, the thing that will sustain you through this life, give you satisfaction beyond marginal utility and the increasing digits of your bank account balance?

At the rate I'm going...suffice to say, I don't know where I'm going.

And I'm only at Diminished bloody Responsibility and the exam is at 9 a.m. tomorrow. I am SO DAMN DEAD.

What's the difference between DR and unsoundness of mind anyway? And how ridiculous is it that some prosecution expert witness actually said that having an anti-social personality disorder doesn't translate to unsoundness of mind? I just, like, wanted to laugh or cry or something.

But yeah. Whatever.
Tags: angst, exams, law school, personal

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