As much as there are downsides to living at home witht my folks, there are many perks as well, and it's so easy to get used to it all over again and sink back lazily into this comfort zone. Yet, I know how unhappy and dissatisfied and trapped it makes me feel, and so despite my complaints and characteristic negativity, I'm happy to be given the chance to get out once more and live my own life.
I was in such a funk before receiving the offer that it delayed my period for about 2 weeks. I was upset and despondent about Wouter and the thought of having to be in Singapore for another year. I felt trapped. I felt directionless. I felt like the last two years never happened and that I was back at square one, in all its leery and jeering glory, making me sick. I felt inadequate, constricted, frustrated; and while I didn't give up and I was already thinking about what I could do to fatten up my CV and make my re-applications more attractive, it was with an attitude of enervated resolve more than firm self-belief.
On Monday night, when my offer was confirmed, most of that went away. It's almost tragic how intricately bound-up my confidence and self-belief are to these things, but that's what is is, and there's nothing that I can do about it. For the first time in months, I felt like I could conquer the world, and there was nothing that I couldn't do.
It's a pretty nice feeling and of course, it won't last, so I'm going to hang on to it for as long as I can and try to remember how it felt when I'm struggling in a few months' time, wanting to kill myself and hating myself for ever thinking of doing something so insane as a PhD. Yay! I can't wait!
I said 'most of that went away' because I still miss Wouter.
He didn't want to get back together. I know it is the right decision. I know all the reasons it didn't work but a part of me still can't let go; it keeps hanging on to the 'if only's and 'what if's, reminding the rest of me of what an amazing guy he is, and what I have lost.
And so I deal with this by not thinking about it. How typically me. I don't care how escapist it is though; I think I just want to look to the future and let go of the past, and its promising images of a happy future with the best boyfriend that I'd ever had.
I finally bought a casual bag today, a colourful medium-sized satchel from Oasis. I love Oasis so much. Everytime I walk into the store in Wisma or walk around the Oasis section in Robinson's, I feel so happy. Oasis and Mango are currently the two brands that I love with all my heart.
I bought socks for my dad!
I wanted to swim this afternoon but I got my dreadful period.
We had dinner at Din Tai Fung. Yucks. That's all.
I am in love with George Ezra's "Da Vinci Riot Police". In fact, I am in love with George Ezra. Since Mag is in love with a 19-year-old boy, I feel less embarrassed about being in love with a 21-year-old. But seriously, apart from his music...he's such a cutie! It's too bad that I won't be in London in July; otherwise, I would totally go to his show!