A preliminary suspicion:
I feel one of those inconvenient and subtly unsettling existentialist identity crisis coming on. It was the entire duration of my shower - the things I thought about, everything that has transpired over the past couple of weeks, my relationships with people, how things were like four years ago, nagging issues that still don't go away.
I haven't been entirely fair to a few people, my intentions have not been entirely pure or innocuous, I haven't given enough time to those that deserve it. And if my reason for wanting to devote time to old friends is "just so you still have people to root you to who you were pre-law school", then I have no business in calling myself their friend.
Who was I pre-law school?
Talking to Tong on MSN has an interesting way of reminding me of the person that I was in JC. He tells me things like:
"u r [yelen]
i hold u in awe
u cannot disappoint me"
u r supposed 2 know
alot of tings"
which is, to state it simply, a once in a blue moon occurrence and it has been so for the past two years. And that blue moon occurs only when I talk to Tong on MSN.
You see, this is the perception that people had of me in JC. And it was the perception I had of myself in JC. And none of it remains anymore. And I don't know what changed. And I'm not sure if anything did change; I'm not sure if all of it was unwarranted to begin with. I'm not sure if it was a bloated perception of me that grossly overstated my abilities, overly inflated who I was.
I realised, ten minutes through Emergencies class, that the short essay I submitted was utterly infantile and was something I would have written in Year 1. And to tell you the truth, honestly? That realisation, this admittance of how utterly thoughtless and superficial and shallow it was, makes me despise myself in ways to which I would rather not admit.
And then there's the question of what interests me. Haojun asked me this when I met him at Starbucks Holland V a few weeks ago. "So what interests you?" he asked when I didn't appear to show very much interest in the law-related problem he was telling me about which I can't recall presently. And I thought about it, and perhaps I said criminal law, but I wasn't convinced by my answer and there wasn't another answer.
I'm having a lot of trouble connecting with Emergencies and I'm not looking forward to writing my term paper. I'm also having a lot of trouble mustering up any passion whatsoever for what I'm doing in school. And the fact that I seem to think that this passion needs to be "mustered up" speaks a lot for itself and for the point that it led to.
Pre-law school, I would have had a lot of definite answers to a lot of things, and I don't mean trivial things, but things about myself. Things that go to the root of who I am.
I find myself now sprouting random legalese without really thinking about them, using phrases as inside jokes that only lawyers would get. Even a small MSN debate with Justin about whether omissions of the truths are lies saw me resorting to legal English. And sometimes, at times, I find myself being incapable of expressing myself any other way. And yet, simultaneously, I find that the expression doesn't quite fit. In fact, I find that the expression doesn't fit, period - it makes me feel awkward, it makes me feel fake.
I'm trying to be positive about things now, and I would say that I am more positive about things now than two years ago, than a year ago, than a semester ago. But I still have difficulties in not having doubts, in not looking at the grass on the other side and wondering if I should have chosen to settle there instead. There is no such thing as greener, though; it's all a matter of relativity. It's all a matter of what you what. And it's all only a matter of what you want.
And I don't know what I want.
And then there's that residual, nagging issue that refuses to be buried.
Simon commented on MSN, "lol its abt time such things left u"
And I agree that it is about time. Because I think back to that Monday which was the second week of school and it's now the seventh week of school. It is an objective fact that a lot of time has passed in between.
And you know, it's not even about that Monday, second week of school. It's about all the time before that, from the date everything happened to the date everything stopped happening, everything after that, all the time in between. So much time, so many dates, and pretty soon I would be measuring time in terms of years.
And you know, Simon is right, and simultaneously, not so much, because you can't put a quantity on how much things hurt you. There are things that end up scarring you for life and you can't say that it's no longer relevant or immediate enough for it to keep hurting. And there's no reproach to be made, you shouldn't feel inadequate or useless, because while objectively it is about time and the tired fighter in you whole-heartedly feels that it is about time, how you feel isn't measured by days and weeks and months. And so there's no use in saying that it's been x number of months, or that it's been x number of years, or that it's been x number of weeks; there's no use in saying anything at all.
And so I have stopped telling new people I meet about it, I have stopped talking to friends about it, sometimes, when I'm rushing an assignment or am distracted by something else, I find myself not thinking about it. It's only when I'm idle that the thoughts come rushing at me in full force, on idle nights like Monday night, like now.
And it's emotionally draining, and maybe crying has become a monthly activity now, like getting my period. I don't know.
And sometimes you choose not to tell people things not because you don't trust them, or because you don't feel comfortable enough with them, but because you really liked having that one person in your life whose company you enjoy, who enjoys your company, not knowing about it. Not knowing how messed up you could potentially be, you potentially are.
And so you ruin it all one fine day by blurting it out without fully considering whether or not you want them to know. It's just a bare fact that everyone already knows, but it's not such a small deal when you find yourself thinking back to that moment and wishing you had stopped yourself from blurting it out.
People find it easy to dump things on me. People find me easy to talk to, to joke around with, to have Deep and Meaningful conversations with. And I'm glad and honoured that they feel comfortable around me to do all of those things.
But there are also people for whom I don't quite feel the same way. They feel like they can tell me random things, but I don't feel like I can tell them random things. And because they feel that way towards me, they think that it's a pronouncement on the nature of the friendship. But what if the cock is really just one way? What if it's not really about You and Me together, but about Me as a person?
I am someone who can take quite a lot of nonsense (I was going to say cock but it didn't sound too right). You can tell me all sorts of random things and I would entertain you, and I'm really glad that you feel comfortable enough with me to be able to tell me all sorts of random, nonsensical, trivial, light-hearted things.
But I don't always feel the same way. And so what you think is the nature of our friendship, is really the way that I am.
Now the question is: If I don't say anything about it, does it make me dishonest? Am I being less of a friend? Am I pretending?
I take the view that omissions of the truth are lies. I will let that fact speak for itself.
I think my stream of consciousness has exhausted itself, at least for the purposes of this entry.
I suppose there are always issues to settle, things to sort out, questions to answer, resolves to be made. And in the midst of all of that, life goes on and I soldier on still with a smile on my face that isn't a pretense at all, but something genuine.
Sometimes, I just wish that I could be truly happy - purely and untainted, unfettered, happy. Even if it's for a brief, fleeting moment.