I had every reason to be annoyed. Yes, he'd only seen my message (which I sent at midnight) at about 2am; but I waited it out for about 12 hours before I lost it. It was a combination of things: the ongoing confusion in my head, my perception that he was distant, the diametrically opposed directions in which my feelings and my head were pulling me. I was in a bad mood because of all this; worse, I was somehow convinced that I had to resolve the matter on that day itself and that it could not wait. I was tired of being caught in between two states: giddy happiness and uneasy trepidation; his sweetness when we are together and his seeming aloofness when we are not; and of course, the usual - what I know and what I feel.
I had every reason to be annoyed. He was non-communicative, he didn't say anything, as if I could read his mind. Sorry, I'm not that smart; I am not acquainted with the art of mind-reading. Still, the sudden outburst was unnecessary. I basically said, 'I need to tak to you today. It can't wait. When are you free?'
He replied immediately: 'Why are you so dramatic? What kind of introduction is this?'
He was up to his ears in work. He wanted to read through my paper (I asked him to help me read it over and see if it made logical sense and if it was well-argued) but he'd probably need two more days. He sent a slew of messages about the amount of things that he had to do.
I felt badly for the next 45 minutes, and it was a combination of his 'why are you so dramatic?' and this sense of urgency in me that shouted at me, rather querulously, that I had to resolve it, I just had to, no matter what. I spent about 30 minutes crafting what I hoped was a reasonable reply, trying to keep the clammy neediness at bay. I genuinely didn't want to be a hindrance to whatever he was doing because it's annoying to be stressed out about something and still have to deal with someone's feelings. He eventually said that he really didn't have time to meet me on Friday and that we could do coffee tomorrow (Saturday).
I went to Mag's and had a red velvet cake, worked a bit on my paper which I abandoned to the stormy weather of my mood, and felt better. The highlight of my day was playing with a super adorable golden retriever puppy at the new pet grooming place next door. I made baby noises at her as if she were a baby, but I'd much rather play with a puppy than a human baby.
Anyway, on Saturday morning, I woke up to another slew of messages from G sent at 1.50am, saying that he was still up working on his project and basically that he wasn't sure if he could be far away from his village in the city centre on Saturday. I was thrown off-guard a little; I was already thinking about the things that I wanted to say, and in what order so that there was a more or less coherent narrative flow. As I am quite inflexible when it comes to schedules and last minute changes, I started contemplating whether I would offer to go all the way to Upper Changi, which would take me at leas an hour on the MRT.
In the end, I got my arse out of bed and went running like I'd initially planned; I felt really guilty after the red velvet cake AND a scoop of gelato, AND a plate of mushroom pasta from Mag's, on Friday evening, and so I decided that I would get up early to run. After the messages from G, however, I had even more reason to run.
This is where I have to get on my soapbox and advocate the hell out of running as therapy. It is really incredibe what it does for the mood. While I wasn't in a bad mood at all, there was still some negativity and agitation. I wanted to clear my mind before I replied to him; I didn't want to end up saying something that I didn't mean, or would regret, definitely not something that wasn't well thought through.
At the end of the run, even though it was only 26 minutes and short of the targeted 30 minutes (I need to expand my route; it felt like I'd hit 30 minutes), I felt like I could take on the world again. I felt like I could do anything. I was in such a good mood that not even being on the phone with Singapore Airlines for 22 minutes, 10 minutes of which were spent waiting for someone to pick up, could put me in a bad mood. I felt amazing.
And so I decided that I really wasn't bothered if G couldn't meet and that I was actually sorry for the outburst on Friday. I replied apologising for the outburst and that I would still like his views on my paper but only if he had the time. I got him at the right moment; he was having breakfast, i.e. not working, and so we texted for quite a bit, i.e. all through lunch for me.
It turned out that he has a Monday deadline too, which would've totally explained everything if he'd just said so from the beginning. It was cute, though, when he said his deadline was '31' and I said, 'Of August? Monday??'; and he said, 'We have the same deadline. Sync [heart-shaped eyes emoji]x3'.
It was a nice throwback to his habit of saying how we were in sync for various reasons, like...ok, I'm too tired and I can't remember. In any case, it was really nice to talk to him normally again and it made me miss him. I bloody miss him now, which is so annoying but what can I do? My heart is weak, my resolve non-existent.
I went off to campus to work on my paper; the aim is to get rid of half the paper. I am now at 8,989 words or something along those lines; I started with over 11,000. I dumped things into footnotes, so now the paper has these super chunky footnotes. I have almost 3,000 words to get rid of on Sunday which will have to be done hopefully before 9pm, because I want to watch the repeat telecast of Roger's victory over Djokovic in the Cincy final. We will see.
Later that night, when I was at Mag's to play Cards Against Humanity with Alex, Alex's new girlfriend, Ven, Mag and Flo, I texted G to ask how he was doing. He told me about his intense run, how he pushed himself physically and mentally, and then finished by saying that he will go through my paper tonight. I think it's sweet that he seems to really want to do it.
I was in the middle of CAH and so I didn't register the messages until I got home. I was super amused when I saw that he used the word 'paradoxically' in one of his messages. Seriously - who uses that word in a whatsapp message? What is also amusing is how he described bread as 'non-trivial'. In Jurisprudence class on Thursday, the professor used the term and I immediately thought of G because he uses it a lot in daily conversation, so much so that I can even hear it in his Greek accent right now.
Anyway. All this is to say that I don't have a clear idea of what to do, but I don't care right now because I am busy with my paper and I just don't have the strength or capacity to think about other things. That said, I found myself missing him a lot tonight. I haven't missed him so purely in a while - by that I mean yearning for his company for its own sake, without any added complications or some puppy-dog need to be reassured of his interest; just his company, the conversation, the feeling of our fingers intertwined.
Lastly, CAH was FUN! I was so tired though, that my brain was only half working an hour into the game. I was sad to come in second to last, and there was this epic card with these epic responses that my epic friends tailored just for me and my human rights thing. I will post the picture when I'm not tired. For now, I am going to bed - I've got my work cut out for me on Sunday for sure. I still need to sort out my references, which I wanted to do on Friday but I was too busy being a girl.