Maybe it's my subconsciousness manifesting the deeply-hidden guilt I feel about the way I react to X in school. After what I said to X months ago, you'd think that I would be friendly, or at least civil, towards X; but I haven't been at all, save for that one time in seminar when I went in late and X was nice enough to free up the seat next to X and I sat down with a 'thanks'. But I was also feeling very positive that day, which quickly and inexplicably dwindled and faded a week later.
Let's face it: It's fucking awkward. Sometimes it's more than awkward; sometimes it's painful. At times it's even revolting. And every single time I react in a way that makes it clear what is going on in my head and, I suppose, in my heart. And I can't help it. I can't make myself smile at someone whom I don't want to see, and I can't make myself not not want to see that said someone. If this is how I feel, this is how I feel. It doesn't matter if it's completely irrational or childish, and it doesn't matter also if I know that I'm being completely unfair. Because rationality never had anything to do with feelings, and these negative feelings still won't go away.
I can't even count anymore the number of times I've told myself over the past few months to be nice to X. There was even a very clear instance after I sat down next to X in seminar that I told myself firmly - or what I thought was firmly - that I would take the next opportunity I get to take that first step to be nice to X. But that opportunity came and I missed it accidentally, and when the next opportunity came I deliberately chose to ignore it. And ever since then I have gone out of my way to ignore all opportunities along similar veins.
I would boil it down to the root of the problem, but I don't really know what the problem is anymore. Or rather, I know what the problem is - everything that's occurred that led up to this point. That is the problem. Or more specifically, the problem is that I can't change any of it - even more specifically, microscopically, the problem is that I can't erase any of it. And so X is incidental to the problem and it's really not X's fault, or anyone's fault for that matter...except maybe it's my fault for being built this way. For being so negative, for not being magnanimous, or gracious, or forgiving. Maybe it's my fault for being what I am, so all-or-nothing, such that I don't bother keeping in touch with ex-boyfriends or guys I used to date, not because I still have feelings for them and therefore cannot be around them, but because I, very simply, do not give the slightest fuck about their existence. And it's not because I resent them; it's purely and simply because I don't care. Complete, total indifference. This is the kind of person that I am. I don't care that we used to have something, I don't care that you were the first person to ever kiss me, I don't even care that I broke your heart once upon a time. I don't care how you're doing, I won't go out of my way to talk to you, I won't even make the effort to answer a simple email. And I'm not being malicious, or vengeful, or vindictive; it's really and truly and simply a total absence of any feeling or concern or care towards these people on my part.
This is the kind of person that I am. I'm sorry that X has to be caught in the middle of the gunfire, but I can't make myself push X out of harm's way. And I really can't decide what's worse: Seeing X, or seeing Y. Of course, seeing both X and Y at the same time will definitely be the worst of all, but since that's a reality I don't have to face yet...well. I don't know.
The dream I had was decidedly unpleasant. Maybe I really do feel guilty. I don't know. But I know that I wish I didn't react the way I do, or if that's off the table, then I weren't such an open book.
Most of all? I wish that I don't care. Because it's only when I reach that level of complete indifference that I can be okay with everyone; by then I wouldn't care at all. And when one doesn't care, anything and everything goes.
It's nothing personal. It has nothing to do with X as a person. If X were A, I would react to A the way I react to X. But it just so happens that it is X and X was the choice made, so things are what they are. I wish they weren't; but they are.
Beyond the X problem, I'm also rather disillusioned with a lot of things. I've reached the conclusion that the people you can count on are those that have been with you for years, not new people who leave when the novelty wears off. I think I developed a bit of a habit and I am working hard at kicking it, and I think it's working. But it's also at the expense of something that means quite a bit to me. But you simply have to do whatever it takes sometimes.
I'm also not going on MSN much lately apart from logging on during Personal Prop to bitch to Rui and Jolie. I want to hide and avoid problematic encounters, or lack thereof. Things to figure out. They should just stop existing altogether.
And I've decided to go to Clarke Quay later with my cousins and their friends, because it's my cousin's birthday and it's the first time she's inviting me along to hang out with them. I was thinking of driving there 'cause taxi is fucking expensive, but if I drive, I can't drink. And granted I don't really want to drink, but it'd be rather stupid to go to bars and not drink because what would I do with myself otherwise? So maybe I'd have one or two drinks, enough to get a buzz, not enough to get tipsy, and then call it a night before my dad gets on my case and whatever. And anyway I have no money and I don't feel like spending money on alcohol because I honestly think that it's a huge waste of money that I'd much rather spend on clothes. Of course I won't reject free drinks but it depends on who's doing the buying. Anyway, I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore. It's 4.01 a.m. I have a lot of things to do. I shouldn't be bogged down by bullshit issues.
But I'm not really bogged down; it's just something that bugs me when I think about it. And it's really quite irritating. And it's not the only issue that's bugging me. I really need to go out.
Year 2 mock trials have started.
I wish things were simpler, still.