I am doing too little - way too little - work for my judicial review paper. My Bali trip next week isn't going to help at all on that front. I am so screwed. I am actually starting to panic and the deadline is 16 November, i.e. Really Far Away under my old conception of deadlines and when to start freaking out. I guess I really have changed.
Then again, I have to. This PhD and its attendant commitments are about the rest of my life. I have to take it seriously. But I am now genuinely reconsidering whether I even believe in my research proposal anymore, especially after this shitty election results. I'm not sure if I can ever believe in a conception of human rights that isn't a liberal conception. How would I then try and work out a conception of human rights as an alternative to the liberal one? Conundrums, conundrums.
Maybe I should just forget this whole PhD, stay in Singapore and be with G.
In all honesty, if that facetious suggestion would to come into fruition, I know for sure that two things will happen: 1. I will get bored as fuck and I will be very annoyed; and 2. he will lose interest in me because I will no longer do a PhD, I will probably work some tediously dull and unintellectual job, and we will lose our intellectual parity (I am elevating myself a bit here but come on, I am five years younger; I need to compensate for the lost time). It wouldn't be a stretch to say that part of the reason he liked me was because of my ostensible career path, and he probably held me in higher regard after he read my paper on human rights in Singapore. It was interesting how, on that teary Thursday night when I cried my eyes out, when he tried to tell me that he wanted me in his life and mentioned that we had a paper to write together, he said that it was 'high praise' coming from him. I couldn't even crack a smile then; that was how upset I was. How silly, how frivolous, of me to miss the woods for the trees.
I am no longer suffering from PMS and I have pretty much made up my mind to contact him. The only problem is that inertia always feels comfortable; but more critically, inertia AND fear combine to form a formidable force that pushes me to do nothing. But I am afraid. I am. The bright side is, now that I am no longer suffering from PMS, the reaction is less emotional, I think. Like I said before, I really miss talking to him. My inability (self-imposed, of course) to bitch to him about the election results cuts really deep because he'd understand without me having to explain the background concept why I'm so disappointed with the outcome. I wonder if he remembers that I told him that I will vote for anyone except the ruling party ('You're a rebel!' he said); I wonder if he followed the outcome of the election; and if so, I wonder if he wonders how I am taking it.
Still, I am unsure of how to interpret his silence. I'm not sure which interpretation is the most plausible one: that he's waiting for me to get in touch because of what I said and the distress that I displayed on Thursday night; or he doesn't care anymore. The weight of the evidence points to the former: he said that he wanted me in his life; he said that he hoped to hear from me 'in the future' and that I would be happy; and the last thing that he told me was
'I will miss you'. All this suggests that he wouldn't not want to hear from me, right?
I should be over-analysing the issue of judicial review, not the possible thoughts and inclinations of a man currently at the other end of the world, who probably doesn't even think about me remotely as much as I think about. I am so frivolous. But anyway. There are too many questions in my head and the best way to answer them is to see what happens after the initiation of contact.
Sounds all good but I am scared. I know it's only been a week so I shouldn't expect myself to be okay with this current situation, but I have proven to be the queen of harbouring unrealistic expectations when I displayed an unrealistic expectation of his commitment to a long distance relationship after knowing someone - me - for a month. I mean, sure, I think I'm a pretty good catch, but come on. Anyway, I am not really okay with it - with letting time sever our connection, of just leaving it like this, of doing nothing about it. I am really tired. I don't really know what I'm writing about anymore. I can't even be bothered to pretend that these paragraphs flow or that my thoughts are related, so I will just say this one thing that's been on my mind.
At first, I wasn't sure how to read this. Then I asked him point blank why he didn't try to have sex with me when the opportunity was right there. We were in bed together and he didn't even try, which I found perplexing because he'd made clear his sexual attraction and I'd also admitted that I'd thought about sleeping with him. I thought maybe he didn't have condoms or he didn't want to risk being infected with herpes, but it turned out that he thought I wasn't comfortable and that I didn't want to have sex; and he didn't want to complicate things seeing as he was leaving.
Would it not be fair to say that someone else, i.e. someone who didn't care that much or didn't value me, and didn't care about a joke STD (i.e. herpes), would have at least tried? Of course, I was disappointed at the time that he didn't initiate sex but like I told him at the airport, it was a probably a good idea that we didn't sleep together after all...because the memory of everything else is already enough to add to the inarticulate sense of loss that I've been feeling, and how bittersweet this whole thing is, and how much I hope that I will see him again, sooner rather than later.
I am so tired. I don't know why I'm even writing this ridiculous entry.
Dim sum buffet at the Fullerton! Thank goodness I didn't eventually get around to taking G to the Fullerton area; it's my favourite place in Singapore and it was on the agenda on our first real date, but he shook it up when he took me to embarrass myself in front of him with my shitty attempt at playing pool - and we never got round to it. This is also a good thing; I don't feel like angst-ing through my dim sum buffet.