anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

my monthly activity.

I don't even know where to start.

I don't even know what to say.

Five years ago I was understandably upset and, I suppose, heartbroken after ending my first relationship, and I posted an emo entry here that rather stylistically (as stylistic as one could be at 16 anyway) brought out the emotions I was feeling, and a very kind stranger wrote me this message, "And this, too, shall pass."

It passed about three days later and I got over it just like that, because it didn't mean that much to be to begin with. The way I felt so little after a while and then felt nothing at all was rather exemplary of the way I would subsequently handle all my guy issues. The same thing happened with the next boyfriend, this guy who had the misfortune of dating me in JC, and because he had the added misfortune of being in the same class as me, he had the unimaginable bad luck of having to see me nearly every day for another year. He tried to be friends but I didn't care. To me, everything between us ended the day I broke up with him. It took me at least a year and a half to feel bad about the way I treated him throughout the whole of JC2.

And like what happened with the first boyfriend, I felt bad for about five days and subsequently stopped feeling anything.

I think I am generally less disposed to love and affection and the display of such emotions than the average female person. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I think I am less disposed and programmed to care about another human being the way I care about myself than the average female person. I caused my second boyfriend a lot of misery. I was, to put it simply, a real bitch: I hardly called, I didn't make an effort to spend time together, and after a while, I got bored. And I felt no remorse at all after the requisite mourning period had passed. And it's been four years since and I still don't know why I acted the way I did or didn't feel anything more than what I felt or for a longer period of time after we broke up.

So why would anyone want to date me, right? I was a lousy girlfriend before: uncaring, self-centered, cold, detached. Worst of all, I never loved them. I wasn't capable of loving them. I wasn't even in love with either of them. I knew a month after getting together with the first boyfriend that it was a complete mistake and that I had to break up with him, but I let it drag on for ten whole months because...I don't know, the physical action was really awesome? Which it was. But that was all I had with him.

I was only really a model girlfriend to one person and even so I am of the sincere opinion that I wasn't myself at all during the entire period. The kind of girlfriend I really am is the kind of girlfriend I was with the first two ex-boyfriends: someone that gets bored, someone that doesn't want to spend time together, someone that doesn't get clingy, someone that resents it when the other party gets clingy. I wouldn't even say that I was emotionally immature back then and that was why I was like that, because I genuinely believe that it really is who I am.

Maybe now I'm so used to being by myself that the concept of answering to another person or making the effort to find time for someone else is completely alien to me - because it is. I can not see people that I care about somewhere in the hidden recesses of this organ that is supposedly my heart for weeks on end and generally I wouldn't actually feel anything. Not because I don't care or because I don't love them; it's because...I am not programmed to? I don't know either.

To be completely honest, I hardly ever feel like I miss anyone. Sure, at some abstract level I am conscious that I miss my friends, but I don't truly feel like I miss them, or that I feel the implication of what that means. And when my friends tell me that they miss me, I can only comprehend the literal meaning of what they're saying and nothing much beyond that.

And the only times I had missed people were when they were overseas, like when Mag was in Japan for a week or when Rui was in China for two months. Am I only going to treasure people for what they mean to me when they're gone, or when I'm gone? If that is the case, how fucking sad is that?

And yet, I seem to find myself at square one all the same. Andre once said that I was cold because I told him that I was capable of choosing my boyfriend over my friends. And I agree with his assessment - that I am cold - though not necessarily for the right reason, and yet, despite the ice queen thing, here I am, back at square one, as if my entire love life's history had never happened prior to last December.

I don't even know where to start, I don't even know what to say. I don't know what I would say, where I would start, and you don't realise how...this whole thing don't even know what to say. More than little random notes that I make an effort not to write, less than the totality of what we've been through, as much as all the things that I have written and sent, especially those that I have not sent. You see, this isn't going to pass in three, five days. Because it has been exponentially more than three five days and I still find myself sitting here at 1.15 a.m., writing this entry feeling negative emotions thinking detrimental thoughts pushing away destructive and catastrophic near-realisations wanting desperately to jealously guard inter alia my sanity my mood my mind my happiness my [whatever] when Evidence is objectively more important.

Hello, Dear Monthly Activity. I can't stress enough how much I have not missed you.

This is honestly bullshit and once again all I can say is: Fuck.

Tags: angst, ex-boyfriends, first boyfriend, love, neb, personal, pms, relationships, shawn

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