anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

life sucks.

Life is meaningless.

Life is worthless.

Worst of all, life is pointless.

So I was gearing myself up for some nice shopping after the horrendous exams to reward my hard work since Cambridge probably wouldn't be the ones doing the rewarding even though they should, dammit, but guess what I found out?

I, Yelen, currently have only S$56 in my pathetic, non-existent bank account.

Oh my god. You've gotta be kidding.

What the hell can ANYONE buy with fifty measley dollars? Nothing, that's what. I found the great skirt I found at Zara a few months back, when I went to watch The Village with Pei and her friends, which was in July, but I didn't buy it then as the S$60 made me decide against it. But of course, since it's such a great skirt and since I look fucking awesome in it, I haven't forgotten about it, which is what I usually do after liking a certain article of clothing, including the ones that I do eventually buy.

So I found it again, which had me convinced that I was meant to buy the skirt, but since I only had twenty bucks in cash with me, I couldn't possibly have bought it, considering the crucial fact that my stupid crappy non-existent bank account cannot cover it.

Fuck man.

Seriously, I'm really pissed off. I need that goddamn job really badly, and Edusave or whoever better send me money for doing so damn well for the stupid prelims so that I can spend it.

Fifty-six dollars? Fifty-six measley dollars?

And the worst part? The long-sleeved top I tried on really rocked but when I went back to buy it (that was after checking my account balance; I decided to cheer myself up by buying the shirt which was S$35), it wasn't there anymore. Some arse stole it from me. If only I'd bought it there and then!

If only I could sell my past purchases back to the shops, the stuff that I no longer find fetching.

If only I could wake up one day and magically become rich.

If only my parents were richer.

If only I were dating a rich and airheaded guy, so that I can exploit both his wealth and his lack of intellect (and feel damn good in the process).

If only I weren't me.

See what I meant about whatever I want always turning to shit?

Seriously, I don't think I'm being unreasonable. What the hell's wrong with wanting to buy things? Especially wanting to buy things to reward yourself for not having anything that vaguely resembles a life for about five bloody months?

Well, there goes any chances of me attempting to have some fun before I seriously succumb to my sporadic bouts of emptiness. The only way to have fun is to go out; when you go out, you have to spend; but what the hell can you possibly spend on when you don't have any fucking money?

I can just imagine it:

Friend: Hey, let's go for lunch!
Me: Oh, I can't. I'm completely broke and so are my folks.

Friend: Hey, let's go for a movie!
Me: Oh, I can't. I'm completely broke and so are my folks.

Friend: Hey, let's [insert activity that will definitely involve major consumerism]!
Me: Oh, I can't. I'm completely broke and so are my folks.

What am I gonna do? I have ninety-six bucks stashed somewhere in my drawer but I would've blown that on the skirt and the top today if I'd remembered to bring the money out with me.

Why did my mom take out all my money to put in some crappy fixed deposit thing with negligible interest rates? Why why why why why? Why can't I have a rich and stupid boyfriend? Why can't I be rich myself?

Honestly, I felt really crappy then. It's only the first day since the end of the exams and already, I feel bored. I can't buy anything. I can't do anything. I can't watch a bloody movie. I can't even go out for lunch. I don't feel nice about asking my mom for money all the time 'cause... 'cause. The reason doesn't matter. But I don't have any money myself either so what can I possibly do?

Shit, I hate myself for being the materialistic person that I am because I do not have the prerogative to adopt such a stance. Obviously.

Life is worthless. Literally and otherwise.

My feet hurt like hell. Need a new pair of shoes or two.

Yeah, and how am I gonna do that?

This is SO CRAPPY. I'm honestly too damn lazy to go find a job and go to that job like five days a week and do stupid things that completely insult my intelligence, for smart people weren't born to wait upon others, and okay, I know, I'm just sounding really spoilt and bratty but whatever, I'm pissed off and this is my right to bitch, so fuck off.

On a more positive note, when I was walking down the underpass leading to Shaw Tower from Wheelock Place, there was this man singing with a guitar. I didn't want to give him money at first but, as usual, I decided, what the hell, and parted with my fifty cents coin.

And then he said (well, sang) three words to me. It was the nicest and kindest thing that anyone has said to me in a really long time. It was just three simple words, but I was so moved that I almost cried while going up the escalator, and that catch in the throat is back, just thinking about ti.

There's just so much shit going on. The short term factor: My stupid bank account and my needlessly spendthrift ways, and how I can no longer revert to my needlessly spendthrift ways just when I have the time to bloody do so. The long term, festering factor: The A Levels and my non-existent belief in myself. And of course, my eternal pessimism, my belief that life is a facade, that life is stupid and pointless and that the only thing that is permanent is death so what is the point, blah blah blah, and I may not show it but I truly believe it.

"You'll make it." That's what it was. That's all it was. That's exactly enough.

I don't know, you know? I wish things didn't have to be this way. I wish my circumstances were different. I wish I were different, less materialistic, more compassionate, less scornful of average people and more trusting in the good intentions of other human beings. I used to be all these things I'm not, once upon a time, and that "once upon a time" was barely two years ago.

I'm not a very nice human being.

And the thing that completely aggravates it is that I don't really care, and I don't see why I should.

"You'll make it"? I appreciate the thought, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, or the cavity where my heart should be, or the organ that pumps blood to the rest of the body and is nothing more, but I don't think I will.

Still, just having a total stranger say that to me made me believe, however momentarily, that perhaps there is some truth to those words after all.

If only I could fully believe it.

Tags: angst, money, rant, shopping

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