anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

melancholia.

Yesterday's entry kinda turned shitty towards the end; I rushed through it 'cause my brother was hassling me to play daidee with him and mom and my dad wanted to turn off the cable modem thingy as he wanted to sleep. Oh well. I guess I can never write as well as I want myself to.

Anyway, I just want to say something quite simple:

FORMULA 17 ROCKS. If I could input Chinese on this laptop (which is in my ROOM), I'd provide the Chinese title as well. It's niceee. I watched the whole thing on my laptop 'cause the DVD player refuses to play it. It's a typical teenage romance type film; only difference is, the characters are homosexuals. And since I have a major thing for guy/guy kisses, it was totally enjoyable! And it helped too that the lead actor is totally cute! The theme song's stuck in my head right now and I like it quite a bit so I might get the soundtrack.

Oh wait, I forgot; I'm supposed to be broke. Right. I used my ATM again today at Kino; bought Real #4 and Diary by Chuck Palahniuk. So I think I now have about 25 dollars in my pathetic bank account. Great.

I still haven't found a job, and neither have I started looking for one as well. I'm too lazy lah. It's bad, I know, but.

I've also kind of stopped liking that person whom I've liked since February this year. Uh...yeah. I went to Jielun's concert on Nov 27, I fell head over heels in love with him, I went to Taiwan, checked out the hot guys over there, came back to Singapore, and it was like, "Uh, right, so what was so great about him again?"

Well, I did see this coming, so I guess all those pages I used up writing about him in my diaries (PLURAL) and all the pen ink that went into those horrendous writings were pretty much wasted. Therefore, Yelen strikes again, for what is possibly the third time...no, wait, fifth. Yeah.

Oh well, there goes another four diaries that I'd never read because it embarrasses me too much to do so. I don't read the 2002 entries in here about the first ex either. It's just...alienating. Yes, that's the word.

I've kind of figured something out. I felt crazy and masochistic one night, so I took out this diary I kept in 2002 which contained entries about the beginning of that first relationship, if you can even call it that. Strangely, instead of being repulsed by it, I was actually quite riveted.

I have to be in the mood for things like that, 'cause definitely, I can't read this entry now and expect myself not to hurl my body out of my bedroom window. But yes, it was a strange and crazy night; I even read the stupid mushy and disgusting things I wrote about the second ex. Like, ew!

Right, I digress, very fearfully so, but my point is, I was surprised by how genuinely happy I sounded. It was happiness mixed with a lot of schoolgirl-ish giddiness and excitement, but it was still happiness, for whatever that's worth. More importantly, it was pure, untainted, uncynical; went into it expecting love, expecting faithfully and sincerely that it would be found.

I feel very sorry for myself, but what's to be done about that? Just because you want something, doesn't mean that you'd always get it, even if you're the most charitable person in the world. What goes around doesn't always come around, especially if it's something good. I wish that me and you can be together forever. Do you notice the bad English? Yes, I do. I notice the bad English, oh so very much. Was it the purity of Xiaotian's longings for true love in Formula 17 that got you? I think it was, because you miss it, and you miss it because you know that it's gone forever, and forever necessarily entails that you'd never get it back. Was it wasted innocence then, 2002? I think it was. Did he deserve it? I don't know. Was he a bad person? No; he just didn't understand; he was merely the biggest mistake I've ever made. But why was it a mistake? Was it wrong to give myself to him just to make myself happy? Was it wrong to take those steps because it made me happy? Was it true happiness, or mere exhilarating lust? I don't know.

Sometimes, I wish I were less intelligent (or whatever the right word is; it currently escapes me) and more like everyone else. I wish I hadn't come to expect things so easily, that my predictions were wrong, sometimes, that I weren't always right. I wish I weren't so cynical. I wish I were more plain, less of me, more of others. I wish I were less of a hobo, more of a complete, fulfilled human being.

Above all else, I wish that I was never born. It's tedious trying to breathe when you're underwater all the time.

I don't know why I keep thinking back to 2002 either. I guess I could never forget. The larger question is: why is it still so important?

God, I hate thinking sometimes. I just ruined a perfectly good afternoon, indulging in nice Formula 17 tidbits (great behind-the-scenes feature, and the DVD was less than S$20) and eating nice Taiwanese dou gan.

I miss Taipei. I want a Taiwanese boyfriend. He doesn't have to speak English; just talk to me all day long in that gorgeous Mandarin, with the melodious lilt, like a perfect Jay Chou song. Now I'm here, supposedly home, longing to be there; and while I was there, I longed for here, supposedly home.

Honestly: what the hell is wrong with me? I think I'm doomed to live my life exactly this way: wholly incomplete, my sights fixed somewhere way too high for me to even reach for, let alone grasp.

Okay, fuck it. Who cares.

I'm still fucking sick and I've finished my fucking cough syrup so I guess I'd have to waste another twenty bucks seeing the doc again.

Godfuckingdammit.

I don't believe in love songs anymore. I only listen to Jielun's because he's a genius composer.

That's all I wanna say for today.

**

Stupid quiz time:

You Are Liz Phair!

Sexy tough indie girl... Who's not afraid to be a little girly "I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary Average every day sane psycho Supergoddess"

Who's Your Inner Rock Chick? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Hmm, don't know who she is, but okay.

You are Brigitte Bardot

Naurally sensual and beautiful You're an exotic beauty who turns heads everywhere You've got a look that's one of a kind

What Famous Pinup Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

I think the image is broken. Oh well.

Tags: angst, love, movies, taiwan
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