anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

Post-Mortem

I am really tired and I don't know why. It cannot be jetlag because it's 2.42pm in the UK now. It is not really my being out all night at ZoukOut with Rui either because I've been feeling tired at about 5pm for the past week. I hope this fatigue passes soon; it is very annoying.

I really feel like sleeping (it is only 10.46pm) so I will make this quick.

- The presentation could have been a lot better but at least it wasn't disastrous. I suddenly felt nervous when the chair introduced me and I said 'thank you for being here' and my mind went blank, so I went right into it and kind of rushed through it. In Cambridge, I made a light joke at the start about using my fellow PhD students as guinea pigs which relaxed me a bit; yesterday, I was seized with nerves and my mind went blank.

- The questions afterwards were quite interesting. I was quite pleased that one of the few constitutional scholars in Singapore who teaches at the other law school (this is a bit like how Cambridge people refer to Oxford as 'that other place') was there and made some comments. He talked to me after the session was over and he agreed to read my paper, which is great. I didn't really know how to answer his question so I made something up, which wasn't entirely satisfactory but oh well. Also, there was another round of questions/comments, and after comments addressed to me were made, I sat there and listened to the discussion/comments directed at other presenter (whose paper, by the way, had nothing in common with mine save for the broad theme and that it is about minority rights). Then the chair directed the conversation back to me and asked, 'Do you have anything to add?' In a completely stupid moment, it slipped my mind that one of the things that people do in these conferences is to say something even if there is really nothing to say; and so I replied, 'No, I have nothing to add.' I am still kicking myself at that faux pas.

- The whole conference (Thursday and Friday) was good overall. I am not really interested in institutions and many of the papers that I listened to were about courts. Still, I learned some interesting things. I really liked Albert Chen's paper though, mostly because it was quite theoretical and somewhat cerebral. There was a paper on an Asian human rights mechanism which I will admit that I didn't get at all. Maybe I'm stupid but I didn't understand what was meant by adjudicating separation of powers. There was also an implied dichotomy between human rights and separation of powers which I didn't get either. Also, I'm just generally sceptical of an Asian human rights mechanism for reasons that I am too tired to get into, so suffice it to say that the question that it raised in my mind was, 'Which countries?'

- Zouk Out was fun! Rui and I took a bunch of retarded photos. There were too many gross guys walking around without their shirts on and girls in bikinis, including fat ones, and too many people smoking, and crappy weak-sauce drinks that did nothing for me, but it was still fun! I'd never gone dancing with Rui before this and she is super cute when she's high (or psyching herself up, if that makes sense). But wow, I owe her so much money now. The organisers forced everyone to pay with EzLink or PayWave. There was maybe one PayWave counter for every 4 or 5 EzLink ones. I don't know where my EzLink card is, so Rui used hers to pay for everything. I felt so bad! I hate feeling powerless on the money front.

- An aside: that reminds me of last Friday when Dominic and I went to Wolfson. I had a 50-pound note and my ATM card. Dominic paid for the cab and the tickets at the door, and so I wanted to buy us drinks. I tried to pay with my 50-pound note after learning that card payment was not accepted, but the bartender refused to take it, so Dominic had to pay again. I felt very powerless and shameful indeed.

- Anyway, Zouk Out was fun, like I said. We were Not Tired At All! Okay, we both took a nap in the evening, but still - we were not tired! We left at 4.30am just to beat the crowd to the taxi but we ended up calling for one anyway. I got home at 5am. My dad spent the night in Malaysia so there was no one harrassing me. Yay!

- I finally deleted G's whatsapp chat from my phone. This was after deleting his chats from my old phone. I have also deleted his numbers. I deleted Skype on my old phone and deleted him from Skype on my new phone. The only way I can contact him is through email and Skype on my computer. Is it even noteworthy that I have not heard from him at all?

- I feel as if I need proper closure. That would entail talking to him. I don't feel like it. I felt slightly wistful at Sentosa, and had the same feeling of being frozen like a deer in the headlights when I was in the vicinity of the place where he first kissed me. As such, I don't feel like talking to him. It is too much to take. He is also the driving influence behind my inability to decide when to return to Cambridge and to rebook my ticket accordingly. What am I waiting for? I am waiting for him to demonstrate, however minutely, that he gives a shit. But of course he won't. He is unreliable; he hardly ever followed through on the things that he said he would do, even something as simple as taking pictures of Berkeley and sending them to me, so how can I expect something to materialise out of the nothing that he has said? I wish I could scrub myself completely of him; erase him from my heart once and for all, like ripping off the Band-aid, a quick bullet to the part of the heart where he lingers, still.

- But it is a process and time will heal all wounds. I will try to be patient, as difficult as it is. I just don't know, and can't decide, if I should talk to him or not, if I should even bother.

- In all honesty, I was a bit apprehensive of coming home and going to places where he and I had been, and feeling sad as a result; but that was plain silly, and it's silly because this is MY home, not his, and he can launch an assault on my heart, but not on my home.

- Since I am being honest: I imagine that Dominic is next to me every night just before I fall asleep. I already miss feeling his arms around me.

- Playing tennis tomorrow morning, finally!

- I forgot to add this: I had a 'I am really in Cambridge' moment at post-drinks last Friday. Dominic and Sean were talking about Latin. Sean criticised Dominic's Latin pronunciation. Dominic defended himself by saying that he was taught classical/ecclesiastical (I forgot which one) Latin. They then proceeded to debate which was better. I was like, Huh?! They both explained that there are different types of Latin, but the difference is mainly in the pronunciation. All I could say to that was, 'Wow, I really am in Cambridge.'

- I realised after the conference, too, that Cambridge is truly a hotbed of intellectual activity. I can't believe how lucky I am to be a student there. It was definitely underappreciated in my first term. I will not make that mistake again. Now, I can't wait to go back and surround myself with all these insanely clever people!
Tags: cambridge, clubbing, dominic, friends, g, personal, rui, work
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