I was feeling really restless and sian in the late afternoon, and so after four pieces of Lana cake (which my mom finally bought!), I decided to go for a run. I didn't feel like it; I was feeling lazy and lethargic and moody. But because I was feeling moody and sian, I thought a run would do me some good.
I chose my long route this time (in contrast to the first time I ran, sometime last week in the morning, when I cut it short). I was halfway to the park when I felt like I'd settled into a nice pace and rhythm, but just as I ran into the park, I felt like I was dying. I cannot even begin to describe how much I wanted to stop; but the thought of walking all the way home, gasping for air, my throat crying out for water, did not appeal at all, and so I forced myself to keep going.
I wasn't at all intending to run back to the bottom of my slope, where I usually stop. I thought I would cover the park, then stop halfway on the way back. But I just kept going. I wanted to stop so many times, but I just kept going and going and going, until I was at the bottom of my slope.
I felt a bit better after that; certainly somewhat less sian. I am sufficiently tired for a good night's sleep, I hope.
I have been waking up in the middle of my sleep. The past few days, I'd check my phone and saw that it was 3 am or 5 am or whatever; sometimes I would see a message from Dominic and I would read it, my eyes barely opened. Then I would wake up for real at about 7.30 or 8.
There is a mosquito bite on my left calf. I am truly home.
Monday was spent with Rui and Mag, first at Food Republic and then at Coffee Academics. As always, I had lots of fun. There's something to be said about the quality of one's friendship when one leaves the country for an extended period of time, and when one comes home to these friends, it's as if one had never left. Mag arrived when I was getting my food, and when I got back to the table, the first thing she said to me wasn't anything like, 'Oh my god, haven't seen you in ages!' No, she said, 'Oh, carrot cake ah?'
I love it. I love the sense of continuity, and as a result, rootedness, that Mag and Rui provide me when I come back to this country. Apart from my parents, I would be lost in this humid land without them. They have also been resolutely present through this G ordeal, for which I am eternally grateful.
Rui has this new card game that we're going to play next week. I have no idea what it is, but she has good taste in these things, so I'm sure it will be fun. I can't wait!
Dominic went to London yesterday to see his other supervisor and to have dinner with Sean and their mutual friend. I figured he'd get back to Cambridge late-ish and, as a result, probably wouldn't write me back on Facebook before he went to bed. When checking my phone intermittently and lazily before getting out of bed at 8, there were no messages from him, just as I had thought.
Or so I had thought. A few hours later, when I'd finished reading a fluffy novel (Nick Hornby's About a Boy...it's okay for a fluffy novel) and checked my phone, I saw that he'd messaged me after all. It was almost 1am in Cambridge. All he said was that he'd just got back, he was tired and that he'd properly reply the next day.
I know it's not a big deal, but I liked how he bothered to send me something before he went to bed. I want to go back to Cambridge earlier because, okay, I kind of miss him; but at the same time...I'm afraid that my jetlag would prevent me from working properly on my PhD and meeting the January 15 deadline; and also, there is this unfinished business with G.
I feel like I cannot properly focus on Dominic as long as this G thing remains unresolved, i.e. whatever the status quo is. It's not that I size them up and I prefer one over the other; it's that I think about Dominic, and I smile at some of the things he tells me, and I think about how cute it was when he asked if he could kiss me, I feel a slight sinking feeling that overwhelms the warm and fuzzy feeling that thoughts of him induce in me, because there's this other matter that takes up a not insignificant portion of my emotional energy, and... I don't know. This made sense in my mind when I started writing this, but not right now, and I am too tired to bother.
The point is, I am seized with indecision. Or rather: I am paralysed by inertia. I know that I have to, and want to, talk to G; I just don't want to text him or contact him in any way. I guess I am like him, and how he avoided the Germany issue when it became clear in his mind that it wasn't going to work: I am avoiding the issue. I am avoiding the confrontation, the most-likely-than-not moment of truth when I tell him that I want to move on and he acquiesces, the definitive moment of the end of whatever we had. I am putting it off because I am not quite ready for that, either.
I am waiting for my PMS to end - whenever that will be - so that I can see more clearly and be less influenced by my hormones. For now, I am trying not to think about it. Most of the time, it works; but sometimes, it makes my heart sink.
8.30am tennis. I have to sleep.