Then spent the later part of the journey to work sighing in a resigned manner. Only an idiot would think that there was not an ounce of disappointment in that tone.
Then I spent the rest of the day in a really bad mood. Suffice it to say, then, today has been one of the worst days I've experienced since December last year.
I shouldn't feel bad about myself, and at the core of things I know I don't; but it's an irresistible inclination in the face of such abject disappointment. For sure I tell myself it's not my fault she won't get to live vicariously through me, because it's my life and not hers; for sure I also tell myself that she's overreacting and definitely does not get how the industry works.
But then, the negative spin on everything positive I tell her gets to me. The disappointment breaks my fucking heart. Maybe it's time to dig out my transcripts and circle, in bold black marker, all the fucking A's I got in my final year, then circle, in red, all the fucking C's I got in my first two years. That should make things easier, right?
If she accepted the second upper so readily, there's no reason for her not to accept the fact that there are some things that I just cannot do; that the career path that she has in mind for me isn't what I want; and that I simply cannot be the person that she wants me to be, because I didn't get a second upper by doing banking and finance, etc (I'd list more corporate-ish modules but I honestly have no idea what they are). Sure it's about the money; but it's also about the long-term, the passion, finding a reason to get out of bed at 8 in the morning when all I want to do is sleep. Nowadays I haven't been able to find a good enough reason, and the only thing that's making me get up is my deep-seated
reluctance refusal to spend anymore time doing pupillage than I absolutely have to.
If she still doesn't get how unhappy I've been, then I have nothing else to say. And I've reached the point where I am utterly disinclined to continue talking to her the way I used to. What is the fucking point if my words ultimately fall on deaf ears?
And I'm just left utterly disappointed by her reaction to this - her desperation to cling on to the broken pieces of her shattered dream for me, her stubborn refusal to see things from my point of view, and how she apparently doesn't acknowledge that, at the end of the day, it's my life. I choose my own path. I'm tired of having things laid down for me so nicely, and therefore I welcome this new development which is, in her view, a fucking earthquake (to me, it's maybe a tremor at best). I guess it's unreasonable for me to expect her to understand. But empathise, maybe? After all, she knows how unhappy I've been. She knows what I really want to do.
And really, it's no longer my problem that she can't accept it. It's not my problem she doesn't want to own up to the fact that I am who I am - single-minded, idealistic, essentially a dreamer, and on the flip side, grandiose and full of herself. Call me pretentious, but I want to change the world. And because I know I can't, I'd like to be able to do meaningful things that help to make the world a better place for some of us to live in.
If I'm somehow a disappointment because I don't find anything meaningful in commercial-related work, then so be it. I'm sick and tired of achieving so much success since the A Levels, and then having everything undermined and belittled just because my boss has decided not to retain me in his team.
Next time she thinks I have failed some unrealistic and pure unreal image of me that she has in her head, she should remember the day I got my stupid final year results. She should remember the fact that those fucking results got me my fucking class of honours. And finally, she should remember that I almost dropped out of law school, that I didn't want to continue, that I didn't even want to continue PLC. And THEN she should think about the fact that I'm still doing pupillage, that I'm going to get called on May 29 (incidentally, same day final year results were released), and that I never wanted any of this in the first place.
I'm so upset. I'm so disappointed. I just can't do this anymore.