anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

Missing You

It is my father's 60th birthday today. At around 4.30pm, while looking at my Facebook newsfeed in the library (I was too sian and tired to start working), I came across my father's post.

As usual, I understood only the gist of it, not the specifics, my eyes flitting over the words that I didn't recognise (which is virtually half of the post). But I understood these words: 'My remaining days'. Or: 'The days that I have left.' Or: 'What is left of the rest of my life.'

I suddenly started crying. The tears threatened to multiply in intensity and volume. I made a beeline for the toilet where I nearly collapsed into a heaving sobbing wreck, but my newfound ability to unplug my emotions from the rest of me, as if casually pulling out my laptop's charger from the power socket, came to my rescue, and I calmed down enough to emerge from the toilet and face the world again. Fortunately, there weren't many people in the library, even less in the PhD area, so I didn't have to swat away semi-concerned questions.

Still, I can never completely unplug my emotions. It would be nice if my laptop could survive on its own so that I don't have to carry the adaptor around, but after some time, I have to plug it back into the power source. My emotions are like that. Against my will, I missed my family like fuck today.

*

I have not written because I have been both lazy and busy. I was busy finishing a write up to submit to my supervisors on Wednesday, and I was lazy because...does that ever need an explanation? I have also been going out in the day and coming back at about 11pm quite regularly. Usually I meet Dominic, but on Thursday, I went for a Graduate Law Society formal dinner.

I didn't really feel like going anymore due to the ennui that resulted from my doing pretty much nothing the whole day, but it turned out to be really fun. I sat in between John and Matteo. Joshua sat opposite John. Raffael was opposite me. Like John pointed out, all the 'legal theorists' were there, meaning John, Josh, Raffael and apparently me. I say 'apparently' for obvious reasons.

Josh and his research are really interesting. His question is, 'Is there law in heaven?' I wish I were creative enough to come up with things like that. I think he and Dominic would have a lot to say to each other.

I opted for the drinking option, which was 10 pounds more, and so I had a glass of everything: white wine, red wine and port. I definitely had a bit too much to drink...that, or the port was just bad (probably the case). I could still discuss the foundation of human rights with Raffael, whose research is on animal rights, and it was so interesting. I don't know why my PhD is still stuck in the boring stage.

The food was quite shit. The starter was a leek and potato soup, which was quite nice, but the main was some lousy stacked vegetables with a piece of cheese on top. I gave my aubergines to John, didn't eat the raw onions, and ate the mushroom and the cheese and the paprika. At least, I think there was mushroom. I don't remember.

The night got even better when we adjourned to the Newnham college bar. I sat at a table with Josh, Milhan and eventually John and this LLM girl. The conversation was hilarious. Josh and Milhan make an amazing comedy pair; they say the most inappropriate things. I won't repeat all of them, save to say that we were talking about porn and this donation drive to raise money to send two actors into space to make space porn, and sex underwater...my PhD coursemates are awesome. Eventually, though, people started attacking Josh for saying that his unprincipled stand on eating meat was morally superior to my unprincipled (and hypocritical) "vegetarian but I eat fish" rubbish. I learned this Dworkinian concept called the checkerboard principle. Have I mentioned that my PhD coursemates are awesome?

Two drunk LLM idiots spilled beer on me and Josh. Josh received more of it than me but I was sufficiently pissed off and I started yelling at them, but the idiot who was responsible was too drunk to care, and he didn't even apologise. What an asshat. I don't understand why people get drunk and make complete asses of themselves like this, and spill drinks on other people. They should just grow up.

*

I feel like watching something, so I'll end with: Dominic and I are watching Deadpool tomorrow. I'm so excited! I also found out that I can vote in the EU referedum in June. Dominic and I had a rather heated discussion over my apparently irrational feelings about Britain's pro-EU immigration laws. He said that the absence of these laws would mean that it's bad for everyone without making me better off, so it's irrational for me to feel angry at the pro-EU policies.

At that point, I agreed with him that my feelings were irrational, but actually, they are not. They are quite rational. There is a rational basis for me to want the UK not to favour EU citizens in employment. It would mean that I would compete on an equal footing with EU citizens, and not be treated unfavourably for a job simply because I don't hold the correct passport. I think it is perfectly reasonable for a country to favour its own citizens for employment, and I would not complain or feel bitter if the current policies only favoured UK citizens. But that is not the case. The current policies favour all citizens of the European Union. There is no real normative basis for this; it is the result of a economic-based decision made in the 1970s. If the UK left the EU, there is a possibility that the government would do away with employment laws that favour EU citizens over non-EU ones, which means that the only people that are a step above me for a job are UK citizens. Ceteris paribus, therefore, it is in my interest if the UK left the EU.

Alas, there are probably tons of economic consequences if that happened, that may have an impact on the job market in the UK. Maybe academia would be immune but who knows? Anyway, if my application to be on the electoral roll is successful, I'm going to vote in this referendum. It is really exciting, isn't it? I think it is.

*

I'm also PMSing like crazy today. This is what I really hate about PMS and menstruation: the emotional side effects. I cannot handle it. I can handle the soreness in the breasts and everywhere more generally, I can handle the cramps, I can handle the bleeding; but I cannot handle the emotional imbalance. I hate feeling moody for no reason. It is making me despise my PhD, and the moodiness is exhausting, both physically and mentally. I couldn't focus at all today; it was really annoying. If there's pill that I can take to regulate my hormones, I would definitely take it.
Tags: angst, cambridge, family, friends, phd, pms, politics
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