At driving today I panicked when the instructor suddenly asked me to turn into the S-Course and as a result I braked just as I was about to bypass the entrance altogether - which was obviously too late. He reprimanded me, like, "You should've braked earlier! How can you brake so late when you're going to enter?" I drove on, turned at the corner, did a change-of-direction and focused all my energy and attention on pulling it together.
At driving today I sucked. Save for vertical parking, I couldn't do anything right. Parallel is confusing, I hate reversing (it's literally a pain looking over your shoulder, pretending to know what you're supposed to be looking at when the car's reversing when you actually haven't got the faintest idea), I cannot stop at the right point on the damn slope, I space when I have to suddenly change down to first gear just before entering one of those stupid courses...things like that. It was just bad. I even spazzed on u-turning outside.
While cruising along at the 70 km/h speed limit along Bt Batok road or whatever it was, the instructor told me I was going too fast. I said, "Isn't the speed limit 70?" He said, "You're supposed to be below 70."
Which, actually, I was. The needle was hovering in the space between 65 and 70.
I really need my fucking licence, I swear. Looking at the wide, empty road in front of me, the temptation to just gun the accelerator and not give a damn was too great to resist. Initially I was kind of scared; it'd been a month since I last went anywhere near the driving seat of a car, I was still trying to recover from my ghastly circuit performance just five minutes ago, and I was driving a different car and it felt damn weird. But the road was mostly clear, it was a 70 road, I wanted to let go.
And for a while, I did. And for a while, it felt good. And for a while, just for a few seconds, everything in my life felt mostly right.
How transient it turned out to be.
The u-turn point came, I messed it up, and reality hit me in the face all over again.
I am not facing up to something. I am intrinsically, unconsciously running away, choosing blind optimism when I know better. What was it that Oscar Wilde said about optimism? "The basis of optimism is sheer terror." (Paraphrased.)
I read that quote a couple of years back and laughed at it without really getting it, just because it would've looked really bad for me if I'd shown to my friends that I didn't get an Oscar Wilde quote. But now, whenever the word 'optimism' springs to mind, that quote immediately follows. And taking into account the recent unwell state of affairs that's unfolding in my head, for once, I truly understand what he meant.
You choose to be optimistic because you're afraid - terrified - of the truth. That's all there is to it.
And then there's also choosing between what you want to do and what you ought to do, choosing between indulging in your own selfish interests and sparing a thought for others by not indulging in said selfish interests. Choosing between being immature and starting to act like the adult you're supposedly going to be in, what, three months' time?
But I am human after all. There are things I can't help. And I'm built in such a way that the dominant inclination is towards indulgence. I am ruled by my emotions, not my reason, which is why I'm going to make a really fucking bad lawyer (if that ever happens). Sometimes I wonder if I can reason at all, because whatever inroads I make in that department ends up wiped out by my feelings. If I don't feel for something, I can't do it. Period.
It's always the same fucking problem, the perennial, tiring and tired case of Head v. Heart (Heart being the defendant in this case).
I don't know.
You wonder how someone can know you inside out and yet not know a thing about you at all.
Especially when that someone is, more often than not, yourself.
Ugh. It's been a while since I last went to the movies. It's also been a while since I last went to a bar/pub.
Random thought: The first time I ever heard the phrase 'as such' was in law school. I don't see/hear it used anywhere else except in law school ('law school' refers to everything law-related. Uh, academically, that is. I think. Nevermind). For some reason, I violently dislike this phrase and I bristle whenever I hear people use it.
My mom's been playing Brad Little's (Phantom of the Opera dude) CD in the car non-stop, and one of the tracks - I Need Your Help, Barry Manilow (yes, I know, weird) - is playing in my head. I love his deep, deep voice. I think you can fall in love with someone purely due to the sexiness/soulfulness/prettiness/whatever-n
I've been watching tons of Grey's Anatomy and I'm all caught up and I'm shocked at the George/Izzie sex. I think there's something really wrong with screwing your best friend, regardless of whether your best friend is of the opposite sex or not. (Unless your best friend is a girl and you're both straight and you feel like experimenting, just for kicks, and you propose it to your best friend and she's all, "Hell yeah!" and you do a lesbian thing and it's a one-off thing and you guys laugh it all off later. That's different.) Add the fact that your best friend is married and you get something worse than wrong - you get disastrous. Catastrophic. Absolutely fucking wrong. Yeah. Shoot me but I like Izzie. We're quite alike, she and I (except I'll never screw my best male friend. Uh, just...ew. No bloody way).
I'm still damn irritated with my stupid driving predicaments. At this rate, I am so going to wear a push-up bra and a low-cut top complete with tight-fitting jeans for my bloody test. Because, you know, I am going to fail because I suck so I need all the help I can get. And since I'm apparently attractive, I might as well use that to my advantage, right?
Fuck, I have no self-respect. To think I used to scoff and thumb my nose at suggestions like that. What have I become?
I really need to prepare for Thursday's Trusts tutorial.
I got my iBanking thingy in the mail - after ten trillion years. God, stupid DBS. And uh, there's this story involving my request for them to send me my PIN or whatever 'cause I misplaced it due to the fact that my device took forever to arrive and I figured I lost the device since I had my PIN but no device, and a week after I sent the request form, DBS nonchalantly mailed me a letter saying my signature doesn't match the one they have on record and that I needed to go down to the bank to settle my stuff. At the point I couldn't possibly care any less 'cause I'd already lost track of what the hell I was waiting to receive anyway so I was like, Forget this damn thing. Then I received the stupid device in the mail that came with a one-page instruction and I glanced at it and it made no freaking sense and it pissed me off so the stupid device is lying around on my bed, my iBanking is not activated, I have no idea if I still have to go down to the bank to do whatever, it's all very very annoying and I don't want to deal.
I don't want to deal. Trusts is a lot more alluring than my life right now.