Worst of all, however, they are the worst housemates because they have a disgusting habit of leaving dishes around, unwashed, for days. When I say 'they', I really mean the guy, because the girl is too much of a princess to get her hands dirty and so the boyfriend does everything for her. This morning, I saw that they'd left their meal tray on top of the fridge that I share with Arthur, above which is the cabinet that I also share with Arthur. The boyfriend usually leaves the tray there, which is fine because it doesn't get in the way. This morning, however, the tray looked like this:
Seriously, how disgusting and inconsiderate can people be? I am writing this at 8.50pm and the tray, with all its glorious contents, is still there. It takes literally a second to toss the grapefruit skins into the bin, which is right next to the fridge. It takes literally another second to throw the biscuits into the bin. Having exams is no excuse for such disgusting and inconsiderate behaviour; it's not like they live alone in this house, and their total disregard for other people really goes to show that money cannot buy you class, that going to fancy balls doesn't make you a good person, and that having the requisite ability to get the requisite grades to study in Cambridge don't translate at all to character. There is a Gates scholar living in this house, and he also has his own issues (such as leaving bits and pieces of food in the sink that clog up the drainage after washing up, which means the next person to use the sink either has to clean up the mess, or suffer the clogged sink).
How have we produced a society that strives first not to produce good people, but people who excel in extraneous, sometimes pointless, things like exams and jobs? It would be nice if those things had a positive correlation to a strong, solid character, but my experience in Cambridge so far has shown that sometimes, that is simply not the case. Fortunately, I have met more good people than not-so-good ones; but the selfish and self-centred people that I've met really make me wonder what is the worth of a world-class education when one behaves in a manner that is unworthy of it.
I can't wait to move out of this house.
On that note, I will have to move out at the end of June. I will definitely miss the good people, though - Arthur, Theo, Billy, Daniel and Sophie, though I don't really have that much to talk to Sophie about (but she's a very nice girl). I also like Sam, but he's in London most of the time, so I don't know him that well.
We did the room balloting last Wednesday. The college doesn't have enough rooms for all its graduate students, so students from each year are randomly arranged into a list which decides the order in which students pick their room for the next academic year, and first year students get priority. I was halfway down the ballot, and I thought it'd definitely meant that I would get a shitty room with no en-suite, and so I was all ready to look for my own place. At the balloting process last Wednesday, though, I was surprised to discover that, when my turn came, nobody had chosen the most expensive room in college.
Naturally, I picked that room.
I'd heard about how wonderful and big this room was from Ilias (who currently occupies the room) and Dominic, who lived there for three months before some barely-discernible noise drove him crazy. It supposedly has a big bathroom, and the room itself is also very big. It is the only premium-band room in college; I currently occupy a 1* room, which is the second-best band, though the room is 1* only for its size and nothing else.
I checked out my new room last Saturday. It wasn't as amazing as I was expecting, but it really big, and I will have a proper bathroom. The downside is, there isn't a proper kitchen in the building, just a tiny gyp room with literally one induction hob. I'm not even sure if there is a fridge in the kitchen. There is one in the room, but it looked really small and I doubt that it can hold all my groceries.
I really want to live in a proper house or flat with a proper kitchen and proper everything. Living like a student is horrible, and I feel too old for this. I will move out at the end of the second year...assuming, that is, that I make it to second year.
I still don't know when the first year viva is. I still have not heard back regarding the scholarship application. I feel as if I am in limbo, and I have not yet properly got back to working on my PhD. I spent the whole day doing laundry and exercising and eating and watching Battlestar Galactica - in other words, doing nothing of significance. This is quite frustrating. I will go to the library again tomorrow. I did go yesterday, but I left after two hours because I was so sleepy from waking up at 6.30am for the exam invigilation. I know, I am full of excuses. I am so lazy that it is a miracle that I made it to Cambridge.
Dominic and I watched Captain America last Saturday, and we both agreed that it was tons better than X-Men.
We went to St Johns for formal on Tuesday. My food was awful. The red wine that was served was very delicious. The sticky date pudding was not bad. I had a good time.
There is a disturbance in me that I will not, cannot, am unable to, am unwilling to, confront. The lie that I tell myself is that if I do not think about it, it is not really there; or if I am not physically in the same place as it, then it does not matter. But when I read the things that I wrote during the worst period of my life, the lie exposes itself by the tears that form in my eyes.
It has been about four years now. I am still convinced of the conclusion that I reached back then; of the inherent pointlessness of life, of existence, because of its sheer randomness. I cannot find convincing answers in metaphysics, or the transcendental, definitely not in religion. My philosophy knows no formal logic; its reasoning is amateur; but it rings true to me, both intellectually and emotionally.
Maybe someday, I will let go...but not today. Not today.
I've had too much food for dinner. All I made was a plate of fried noodles; I literally used one packet of maggi mee but that, combined with vegetables and tofu and some preserved bamboo shoots and a tomato and one egg, ended up being a pile of food on my plate. I had three-egg omelette for lunch at 3pm, then almost 10 pieces of Guylian chocolate at about 4.30pm, and I wasn't hungry, but I ate all that food for dinner anyway.
I need to work on my arms tomorrow. The push-ups I did on Sunday left terrible aches in my arms and my chest. The pain is better now; they should be gone by tomorrow. I was in the gym today and worked on my (non-existent) abs after that. I think if I didn't exercise, I would feel so shit all the time.