Can't help feeling like maybe this is the beginning of the end.
On a slightly happier note, tennis yesterday with Justin was pretty fun, despite the emo-ing halfway through that almost derailed everything.
Actually, I think the emo-ing midway - receiving the text then feeling the tearducts overflowing and exploding - helped more than anything. When it first began I was sluggish and unfocused, missing stupid shots, feeling like my right arm was made of cement. After reading the SMS, the first shot I hit, I hit the ball out of the court. That was obviously not good, so I tried again - and again, and again, and again. It turned out pretty good. I was even proud of a few shots (especially enjoyed whacking a clean forehand winner, cross-court, off a ball that sat lamely in the middle of the court. Usually for shots like these I'd somehow hit it way out. It's good to know the flat forehand can be summoned at will from time to time) and there were a few intense rallies. Of course, the more intense something is, the more likely my chances of losing are. But it was still fun, for what it's worth.
I think this is still true though: I want to be someone else, because I'm tired of my own skin, my own negativity, my seeming inability to stay happy for more than 3 seconds. I might be screwing up the best relationship that's ever happened to me, but I can't stop, I can't stop.
I think I need a break from myself.
I think I need a break from my life.
I think, in all honesty, I just need to stop being myself completely.