Anyway, I'm really freaking tired right now so I'd probably keep this short. Uh, probably. For some strange reason I have this crippling inability to sleep like a normal person. Yesterday I slept at 3 a.m. and found myself waking up every hour until it was finally time to wake up for work. Needless to say, I felt like all my senses were completely shot to hell and that I couldn't possibly function like a normal human being.
But you know what? Today was much worse. I helped J with her workload 'cause she was slapped with this huge stack of files, and OH MY GOD, I was reading through this file that contained a bunch of Writ of Summons, among other things, and I was completely falling asleep. I had to go to the toilet to let out non-existent pee just to keep myself awake. It was SO BAD and I had a grande soy latte from Starbucks in the morning!
(Sidenote: I don't know what it is about the Starbucks near the office building; it tastes like utter shit. The coffee - today's soy latte and yesterday's non-fat latte - was actually bitter. I FOUND IT BITTER. I don't take my lattes sweetened so imagine how incredibly and disgustingly and horribly bitter it was. Yuck.)
And speaking of coffee, I swear, I am so damn broke it's not even funny. Last week I spent $4.80 every day I was at work on iced latte from Dome; this week I have spent at least $5 on coffee so far. And that's not including the $1.60 kaya toast-esque coffee I've been buying nearly every morning (kopi-c peng no sugar - I tried saying this to the auntie and she didn't understand me. Previously I said, "Iced coffee without sugar please." That she understood). I AM SO BROKE.
Today I went without coffee in the afternoon because I am this close to having no money, and I found myself falling asleep over the files. How nice. Sigh.
Speaking of having no money, you know what's fun? Stopping for street surveys and screwing with the surveyors' heads. This guy stopped me to do some savings survey. The first question was, Which bank do you save with?
I went, "Save? I don't save."
The guy paused for a bit, didn't quite know what to say. Eventually he asked, "Are you working?"
Me: Uh, no, not really.
Guy: You're interning?
Guy: Final year?
Me: No, Year 2.
Guy: We actually have a savings plan...
Me (don't bloody want to listen to this shit lah): I have no money. Like, honestly, I have no money.
Guy (looking stunned again): Uh...okay. Thanks for your time.
So, he totally didn't have a personality. Yep.
And um, I watched Spiderman 3 with Mag last night and I wasn't impressed and I walked out swooning like mad over James Franco. I've always thought he resembled James Dean and in fact he played James Dean in a telemovie on him. Awesome, it was. James Franco was SOOOOO DASHING, OH MY GOD!
The erratic nature of this entry is an apt reflection of how I'm feeling right now - so tired that my mind is literally going in all sorts of directions that don't really coincide with each other. It's rather awful. I wasn't even this tired during the exams, but really, I couldn't have been; I wouldn't have survived.
When I think about the exam results I get a panic attack.
Other things, not related to work, have been rather odd for me lately. I find myself not knowing if I'm doing something wrong, that I should stop what I'm doing before it's too late, before damage is done. I don't even know if there'd be damage done...or maybe from a reasonable standpoint there will, on a balance of probabilities, be damage done, and something mean and selfish in me doesn't want to care because she's mean and selfish. I don't know what this is, what I'm doing, and when I find myself thinking along these lines I stop dead in my tracks and block it out.
I don't think I'm ready for this, you know? And yet I throw myself back into the game anyway. And I don't know why.
It's never been about being with someone; it's about that someone you're "being with". That person who makes all these attractive, alluring ideas you only read about in books come to life for you, because of whom you're not cynical anymore. I've asked myself this a few times over the past few months: Do I need a boyfriend? Do I want a boyfriend?
It's not about having a boyfriend; it's only a means to an end. It's about the person you choose to commit yourself to. When I feel lonely it's not because I need a guy, but it's because I need the guy.
And yet, how do you know the guy truly is the guy? The truth is, life is too uncertain. You'd rather it played out like a perfectly scripted movie in which every question has at the end of the story a perfect answer that ties every single loose thread together; but that simply doesn't happen. Most of the time you're left in the dark with your baggage of question marks, confusion and wariness seizing you by the heart, rooted to one spot with nowhere to turn. Like time being frozen, but worse, because it's frozen in a period you're desperate to get out of.
Oh, I don't know. Questions, questions and more questions. Mostly I really just want to not give a damn and go out and have fun and say to hell with the consequences.
Therefore, I'm just really looking forward to going to Taipei (yes, we're going again). I need to get away from here for a while.