I almost fainted and threw up on a very, very packed MRT carriage last night, after a tiny amount of Jim Beam + Sprite and a hell lot of ice and half a pint of Hoegaarden. I saw everything fade into near-black, heard the noise around me diminish into a dull murmur, and felt like I could throw up anytime. Thankfully we reached the next stop fairly quickly and we got out of that horrible MRT carriage and sat down for a bit and when cold sweat was done drenching me, I felt okay to walk again.
Good thing Simon was there. We took a cab back from Outram which I'm sure cost a lot and yeah I wish I weren't such a liability.
That's never happened to me before, you know.
A few realisations over the past few days and the sense of victory is bitter sweet at best because there's still something missing from my life. The question is, to what degree do I want it in my life? To what extent am I willing to go to pursue it? Mainly, I am led by the nose by a sense of enervated sadness that insidiously infiltrates my senses, leaving me staring in utter despondence at the blank four white walls of the room in which I'm trapped. I don't know, still. I don't know if I would ever know. It's that same feeling, tugged in two directions, both equally abysmal and unappealing, like a Catch-22. You wonder if you'd rather have a Hobson's choice. But I think both are equally shitty.
Sometimes, I wish things were easier. Sometimes, you kind of wish for a clean slate, sort of a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Mostly, though, I know I'm not an ignorance is bliss kind of person. There's no such thing as eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, too.
The heart is just not in this lah. Not yet, anyway. The endless, subconscious comparisons, etc. Shit.
Anyway, Dakota speaks to me more than ever and it's still my favourite song.
I am still confused for I have never been in such a situation before so apologies in advance if I take a misstep and end up making a mistake.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is about the only film I truly, completely understand. I seriously need to own it.