Can I pause for a moment first to let this piece of news sink in before I start ranting and raving about what a disaster this is?
In fact, it's not just a disaster, oh no; that's completely understating it. This gaining weight business? It means my life is over. I am sorry, even though I'm not, but I refuse to wear anything bigger than size S. I refuse to put myself in size M, not after ALL the fucking hard work I put in to make myself look the way I do - or rather, DID, before I put on weight.
I am going on the offensive now on this matter. I am going on the offensive, and I'm not holding back. And when it comes to such matters, you can be fucking sure I mean what I say - and what I'm saying is this:
1. No desserts
2. No eating after 8
3. No retarded snacking
4. Absolutely NO desserts, especially after 8
5. I don't care how much you try to cajole or beg or tempt me; absolutely - absofuckinglutely - no fucking desserts
6. Tennis every Saturday morning as per usual, but will try to squeeze in a session or two after work
7. At least half an hour of swimming on Sundays, no matter how much I don't fucking feel like it - which is all the time and that is why 1) I haven't been swimming; and accordingly, 2) I put on two fucking kilos
8. As for the unfortunate stuck in office all day long issue, there's nothing to be done about that. Maybe I'll just take more trips to the toilet/water dispenser. I guess it's a good thing those two are far away from me now.
I swear, if I don't get myself back to 50 by June latest, I will do something really drastic to myself. Haven't decided what it is yet, but I assure you it will happen.
If I sound like I'm joking, rest assured that I'm not. I am honestly, genuinely DISTURBED and ANNOYED and ANGRY AT MYSELF for putting on weight. Talk about complacency. Talk about resting on your laurels and throwing everything away and thinking you can keep your current size by sitting on your arse and doing fuck-all but eat and eat and eat. Oh, speaking of eating, I nearly forgot:
9. No more junk food. No more fries. No more fried food. No fucking fish and chips, no fucking burgers, and I can't think of any other unhealthy shit I eat.
10. Still on the topic of food - I'm gonna start eating three quarters of what I usually eat. It has to be done. I used to cut down my food to half, back when I was fucking 58 fucking kilos; but the drastic situation is not that drastic yet, so I think cutting a quarter will do.
Seriously, if you care about me, please do not ask me out for dessert. I'd indulge maybe twice a month but that's about it. And to the boyfriend - DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TRY TO TEMPT ME INTO ORDERING SOME BLOODY BROWNIE THAT YOU KNOW I CAN'T RESIST. And since stupid Valentine's Day is coming - DO NOT, UNDER THE THREAT OF DEATH, BUY ME CHOCOLATES, THANK YOU. This is the one time I'd forgive you for not giving me cake or whatever if your family happens to buy any (even if it's wobbly fudge one you told me about), so yes - no cake. No cake of any kind. No fucking dessert of any kind.
Dammit, what a great time to stop drinking coffee. I effectively have NOTHING sugar-free to drink. I'm even worried about fruit juices because of the stupid sugar content. Need to do some serious research on dieting without 1) starving to death; 2) exacerbating my fucking gastric problem; and 3) did I mention starving to death?
I've given up on the 48 kilos thing. Is it really THAT hard to just let me remain at 50? DAMN IT YELEN YOU ARE SUCH A STUPID FUCKING GREEDY PIG. EAT AND EAT AND FUCKING EAT SOME MORE. SEE LAH, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A LAZY PIG.
Shit, need to play more tennis.
Of course, all of this is moot if the extra weight is due to the increased muscle mass, but hell, I'm not fucking Serena Williams, so that's obviously not true.
Fuck this shit. I'm so disgusted with myself. I better weigh 50 kilos in two months' time or I'd throw myself out of my bedroom window (after I dismantle the window grille).
Ugh, I can't freaking believe this. And yet I CAN freaking believe this. Been eating past 8, been eating a hell lot of desserts, been eating junk, like a pig, with no discipline whatsoever.
OH MY GOD I AM SUCH AN IDIOT. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.
I NEED TO PLAY TENNIS NOW. AT LEAST I GET TWO HOURS' WORTH OF EXERCISE.
SHIT, IF I DON'T LOSE 2 KILOS, MY LIFE IS REALLY FUCKING OVER.
Anyway, got pretty pictures in previous entry so go see.
Also, wanted to move to livejournal but they disabled their ad-free free accounts so I changed my mind. I might just pay that US$12 a year for the Haloscan thing, since it's only 1-something a month. Cheap. Whatever.
Tired. Sleep time.