anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

this is total madness.

It's 9.23 a.m. and I'm writing this entry. It's 9.23 a.m. and I'm not sleeping. It's 9.23 a.m. and I'm awake.

The truth is, I didn't wake up early; there's no way in hell I could wake up early enough to be relatively clear-minded at 9.23 in the morning. The truth is, I didn't sleep at all!

Like, wow. The dry cough I had therefore morphed into full-fledged sore throat and some phlegm has decided to join in on the fun. How totally exciting. I pulled an all-nighter talking on the phone until it was nearly 7. Then I tried to sleep but for some reason I felt super energised, so I decided to wake my brother up for school (and it was HILARIOUS because my brother's hair was all messy and shit, HAHAHA), then I decided to ride in the car when my mom drove him to school, then my mother needed to go to the market so I went to the market for the first time ever in Singapore.

How exciting. I even bought breakfast, a box of mifen, and now I feel sick and bloated because I don't eat breakfast...or rather, I can't eat breakfast because I'm not awake to eat breakfast. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I think I will catch some sleep later.

My grandparents and my two cousins are coming today and everyone is squeezing into my tiny-ass apartment. I'll have to give up my room tonight. Great. Very tempted to bunk in with a friend but uh, don't really like the idea of meeting friend's parents. And I don't know anyone who lives alone.

I am sick. I feel horrible. Sleeping is difficult because the urge to cough hits me virtually ten seconds and nothing gets coughed up 'cause there is nothing to cough up, and I don't even want to talk right now. It hurts to talk. I really shouldn't have stayed up all night talking, especially not when I was coughing into my receiver every ten seconds. Bleah.

I love my friends. I don't think I could have survived last night without them. Something completely horrible went down last night and when the implication of said horrible event finally hit me, I started shaking and crying and semi-hyperventilating, nearly crumbling into pieces, momentarily not knowing who I was. I'm not as tough as I thought I was, and neither am I as smart as I'd like to believe. It's time to face up to that.

Sometimes, all you need in a particularly vulnerable moment is someone to talk to - someone who knows you inside out, someone whom you're completely comfortable with, someone who would be there for you no matter what. It may not be apparent but when I do manage to get over myself, I am thankful for the people in my life, every single one of them.

Also, I just have this to say before I collapse on the nearest bed: I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I make the same mistake twice. I make the same devastating, unforgivable, catastrophic mistake twice. And I have no excuse, except - I am not perfect. And I don't mean to hurt anyone. And I try my best; I honestly do try my best.

And yes, the truck has left me for dead and I can't think anymore so I think I'll go collapse on the nearest bed now.

Tags: friends, sick

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