anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

extracted from the landmines

My guestbook is working again! Stop leaving me notes, sign the bloody guestbook!

So anyway. Went to school for Chemistry this morning. This week is the school holidays, if you don't know, and you probably don't, so I'm tellin' ya. So as predicted, Chemistry was BORING. But then, it was never fun to begin with. And something weird happened to me during Chem which caused tears to form in my eyes. I don't know why. My friend's chair was used to put that crate of beakers, and someone else was sitting on my chair, and I didn't have anywhere to sit, and I snapped at Pearl, but the darling got my chair for me, but it was weird, 'cause I was going to cry, and I didn't even know what triggered it. It's like the entire body started to shake, but only slightly. It was significant enough.

I hate mood swings. But this whole "I really rock" thing kind of helps, I guess. I like myself, really, though I can definitely afford to be less shy. It's just I have moments when I hate myself for not living up to who my folks want me to be. It's absurd, it's silly, it's life.

I'm seriously going to start distancing (if there's such a word) myself from people from now. I can't trust them to care. Except my family, of course, but how can I tell them anything? I probably can tell them that I'm the meanest person ever and they'd still love me, but it makes things difficult when they don't understand. And what of the friends? I have been my own best friend for so long, and it has never bothered me until recently. Nowadays I'm needy. But nobody seems to need me, or wants to be needed by me. I just tell myself that I'd be out within another 8 months, and it's really not like I give a big damn whether I'd still talk to anyone from the school or not. Of course, there are exceptions, however few, and I can count them on one hand, but generally, I don't care anymore.

I'm watching the SAGs tonight. Screen Actors Guild awards, by the way. Forgot to tape the live broadcast. Joaquin attended last year, and damn, watching that was freaking fun. And yesterday I saw Joaquin on TV for a few seconds. He was talking about Quills, and I was trying to listen to him but my dad was making so much noise that I couldn't hear his words. But man, oh man, Joaquin has such a sexy voice. It's deep and resonating, and I can just imagine him saying, ", I love you so much, you're everything to me." And I'd be all, "Oh my sweet prince, I love you too. I've never loved anyone like I love you..."

Oh, god. Talk about sick.

Tags: angst, friends, joaquin phoenix, school, secondary school

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