anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

Some Ennui

I read this recently in Julian Barnes' Flaubert's Parrot and it immediately resonated with me:

Deep within me there is a radical, intimate, bitter and incessant boredom which prevents me from enjoying anything and which smothers my soul. It reappears at any excuse, just as the swollen corpses of drowned dogs pop to the surface depsite the stones that have been tied round their necks.


Maybe this is why I cannot seem to commit - truly commit - to a career path, and most certainly not a relationship.

*

The boredom of the daily routine is starting to seep in, i.e. I am beginning to mind. But I try and tell myself that this is temporary, and that it is perhaps for a bigger purpose, and that even if it is not for a bigger purpose, even if it is ultimately pointless (which is most likely the case), I still have to do it justice because 1) I have too much pride; and more importantly, 2) I owe it to my parents not to make a mess of something in which they have invested way too much money.

I took a short stroll today at about 8.15pm, after giving up in the library due to lack of focus. I ran into a couple of people. It made me wonder, Why can't I run into the people that I want to run into?

I find it easier to focus through the day if I exercise in the morning. I shall endeavour to wake up at 8am so that I can go to the gym early and have an early-ish start to the day. I need to write the introduction to my paper by the end of tomororw. It seems like a lot of time for an introduction, but it's going to be challenging because I still don't really know what I want to say.

And now I will attempt to take John's advice about listening to the universe and write something for myself, something entirely unrelated to the PhD, and which will not be published on this blog. To be honest, the thought of writing - the kind of writing that I want to do - really scares the shit out of me (fear of writer's block?). I don't know why. It's something interesting to think about.

*

Sarah Blasko's "Eternal Return" is such a great album. I heard her song "I Wanna Be Your Man" on the flight from Melbourne to Sydney. How nice is that?
Tags: cambridge, julian barnes, music, phd, quotes, writing
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