anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,


Wei Chuen said, rather unceremoniously, that my blog is like a Sweet Valley High novel. Alas, its melodrama is mostly kept under wraps, in friends-only entries; but I'm not sure that his description of my blog is befitting of a PhD student at Cambridge. But then again, who gives a shit? It's my blog and I will write what I want.

I ought to write about more important things than guys and my crappy love life, but seeing as I have been utterly unproductive lately - i.e. I have done no work - it stands to reason that I don't have much else to write about. And so I will write about Antonios.

It suddenly struck me yesterday, after my conversation with Raffie, that I might have pre-judged him a little, and rather unfairly too. The thrust of my complaint was that it appeared to me that he just wanted some fun with me; and like I said previously, I didn't want something like that. This impression was pretty much formed by the messages that he sent me, insinuating an invitation to his on Sunday (today) and basically being all flirtatious in a covertly sexual manner.

Then I read back on my messages. And then I realised that I had inadvertently sent the wrong signals.

He asked me two days ago, 'When are you planning your next London escape?'

And this was what I said in reply: 'Well, that depends. Apart from the majestic glory that is London, what else is in it for me?'

What I really meant was this: 'Well, that depends. Are you going to take me out on a date?' What I ended up suggesting was this: 'Well, that depends. Are we going to fuck?' That was not what I'd meant at all.

That stupid message I sent started the whole sexual shit. The next day, he said that his friend was visiting but 'my bed' would be available again by Sunday. I didn't even realise that it was an invitation for me to go over until much later, and so I said, 'My bed? Is that the one in the living room or the one in your bedroom?'

He said, 'Which would you prefer?'

I said, 'Since the one in your room is new, it's presumably better; so that one.'

He said, 'That makes sense. :)'

Then I realised what the fuck I implied. I tried to take it back; I said, 'But I don't like to share...'

He replied, 'Well that comes with the territory. You can always choose the other one.'

'Or you can be a gentleman and let me have your bed. :D'

Two hours later, he said, 'Haha we'll see.'

Nine hours later, I texted, 'I've done no work! I can't escape to London just yet! I trust your offer has no expiry date?'

When he saw the message a couple of hours later, he replied, 'You ought to be punished for not making time to escape to London!'

I said, 'I didn't say that; I said that I need time to make time. Of course I will make time at some point.' The three dots appeared, signalling either that he was typing a message or that he'd accidentally pressed some buttons on his keypad; but I didn't hear from him until 12 hours later when he sent a thumbs up.

I don't blame him if he'd thought, 'What the fuck is she doing?' Clearly I didn't know what I was doing. Why would anyone say 'what's in it for me' when she really meant 'let's have dinner'? So I basically implied that I was down to fuck, and then did a complete 180 and said, nope sorry, not going over, and not telling you when I'm going over, if ever.

It would be nice if I could just be completely honest, cut all this bullshit, and say what I am really thinking. But somehow, it feels like I have to play these stupid games, test him, see if he would read my mind and give me what I want. Can I really blame him in this specific instance for the sexual undertone of his messages when I was the one who started it, albeit inadvertently?

Not to mention: I'd pretty much concluded that he was player without really knowing that it was the case; I didn't know the full extent of his dating history, just little bits and pieces that he revealed to me on Thursday. And the rest? It was an impression, a generalisation based on the fact that he's really good-looking. Maybe I am right, but I don't know that for sure. I didn't even think he'd text me after I'd came back to Cambridge, but he texted me at the end of Thursday, 'I had a really nice time - get a taxi!'

Finally, how did I know that he wasn't interested in dating me at all, but only wanted to see me for sex? Why did I assume that? While I do think that there's a good chance that I am right, now it seems quite unfair. And was it not in my favour that he seemed to want to see me on Sunday? Did I not eventually convey the impression that I wasn't interested?

I didn't respond to the thumbs up (what's one to say to that?). My Night Nurse is kicking in so I'm feeling drowsy (which is a good thing; I was coughing all night last night and couldn't sleep) which means this entry has taken an incoherent hit, but the point is, I think I wasn't entirely fair in my assumptions and judgement. It's such a Pride and Prejudice situation. The annoying thing is that I actually do want to see him so it's now on me to do something. I don't know what to do yet, if anything...we will see.
Tags: guys

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