anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

Do I miss the person, or do I miss the thing? Do I miss him when I find myself unable to focus on writing the PhD because thoughts of him float treacherously into my mind, or do I miss what he represented? Or are the two not mutually exclusive? Maybe I miss him as a person, as well as what he represented: the boyfriend figure. Maybe I miss something else that he represented: a genuine connection with another. Maybe it is this that I miss, too: my unguardedness around another, the sense of freedom from loosening the self-protective shackles around my heart; and that wonderful feeling of trusting another with my open, defenceless heart.

Marc asked tonight if one ever truly recovers from these things, as if 'recovering' means moving forward and starting anew with a blank slate. I think that this is an impossibility. I think that we are all bogged down by the combined weight of all our experiences. This latest episode is a mere blip on the radar that represents my love life due to its brevity; and yet, it is not, for there are consequences. My heart will once again be jealously guarded; I will be extremely sceptical of men and their professed feelings going forward; and I will be less trusting of my own feelings. I already feel the jadedness setting in.

I am just damn fucking sian of all this - all of this. Ultimately, though, I am frustrated with myself. I am annoyed at how affected I am (why should I be?). I am frustrated with my seeming inability to be by myself. I hate that, at the core of it, I am not the strong, independent woman that I want to be. So to this pathetic needy snivelling piece of shit that currently inhabits my amazing body: fuck you very much. Fuck you, fuck off, fucking go to hell and don't ever come back.


A completely random thought: since I've always wanted a lesbian experience, maybe this is a good time for one.


Anyway, let's move on to other matters.

I watched Whiplash last night. I would say that I enjoyed it, but 'enjoyment' isn't the right word. I appreciated it. It was hard to enjoy it because of the tension that ran throughout the film; but this is not a criticism, for that is exactly the theme that it explores and the mood that it went for, and so it is a very successful film in that regard. The film essentially poses this question: how far would you go to get what you want? This theme of ambition is very interesting to me. But because this film is so tensed and oppressive, it didn't move me the way La La Land did. Still, I thought it was a good film.

This dialogue, though, between the main character (the ambitious music student) and his love interest hit a little bit too close to home:

Andrew: I'm just gonna lay it out there. This is why I don't think we should be together. And I've thought about it a lot and this is what's gonna happen. I'm gonna keep pursuing what I'm pursuing. And because I'm doing that, it's gonna take up more and more of my time. And I'm not gonna be able to spend as much time with you. And when I do spend time with you, I'm gonna be thinking about drumming. And I'm gonna be thinking about jazz music, my charts, all that. And because of that, you're gonna start to resent me. And you're gonna tell me to ease up on the drumming, spend more time with you because you're not feeling important. And I'm not gonna be able to do that. And really, I'm gonna start to resent you for even asking me to stop drumming. And we're just gonna start to hate each other. And it's gonna get very... It's gonna be ugly. And so for those reasons, I'd rather just, you know, break it off clean... because I wanna be great.

Nicole: And you're not?

Andrew: I wanna be one of the greats.

Nicole: And I would stop you from doing that?

Andrew: Yeah.

Nicole: You know I would stop you from doing that. You know, for a fact?

Andrew: Yes.

Nicole: And I'd barely see you anyway?

Andrew: Yeah.

Nicole: And when I do see you, you'd treat me like shit because I'm just some girl who doesn't know what she wants. And you have a path, and you're gonna be great, and I'm going to be forgotten, and therefore you won't be able to give me the time of day because you have bigger things to pursue?

Andrew: That's exactly my point.

Nicole: What the fuck is wrong with you? You're right, we should not be dating.


I shall end this on a happy note and say that I think I just finished one chapter of my PhD. Sure, it is in a dire state of shit, the sections are not at all proportionate, and I haven't revised the chunks that I took from my first year paper; essentially, it still needs a lot of work.

But. I finished one chapter of my PhD.

I finished one chapter of my PhD.

Five more chapters to go and I am done! Maybe I can pull this off in 3 years after all.

I am finally going to read Kwame Athony Appiah's The Ethics of Identity tomorrow. I hope it gives me interesting materials for chapter 3.

Chapter 1/Introduction is actually the easiest chapter to write; but because it's doctrinal and quite descriptive, it's also the most boring to write. But no one says that chapter-writing has to be chronological, right?


I left my novel in the law faculty. Barry kindly retrieved it for me but he's off somewhere having fun with friends, so I can't get it back tonight. I hate not having something to read before I sleep. I shall read some philosophy then; continue with Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus.
Tags: bruno, movies, personal, phd, quotes, relationships

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