People who wear layers and layers of masks to hide the vulnerable person that exists deep down inside must have a breaking point, somewhere. I don't know how they do it. They put on this facade for the world at large, another one for the group they regularly hang out with, and yet another for the random individuals they've just met and aren't very close to. How do they keep up with all these changing faces? Where do they go when they get tired and just want to be real? And why do they think that people won't accept them for who they are?
I'm happy just being me, with a few close-knit friends with whom I'm completely comfortable, and it doesn't bother me that I don't have ten million acquaintances to shoot the shit with whenever I want. Because I know who I am and I don't need to pretend to be someone I'm not, and because I have a few close-knit friends with whom I can shoot the shit whenever I want. It makes life easier, more meaningful, less superficial. That's the way it should be.
I wanted to do something, anything, with someone, anyone, on Friday night. It just seemed depressing and wrong to come home after driving, after going to school in the morning for Property tutorial, after spending one freaking week in school wishing you were somewhere else. So I was quite pleased when KW emailed me (yeah, I know) and asked if I wanted to hang out with him and Hannah on Friday night.
That kind of started the two-hour phone conversation. I managed to leech off a random wireless network long enough to read his email; when I wanted to reply, I lost connection. And yeah, he was too lazy to SMS so the phone came in quite handy.
Last night was fun, for the most part. It was my second time at Wala Wala and it was the first time in quite a while that I sat in somewhere non air-conditioned and didn't completely die. Hannah is hilarious. Her boyfriend joined us after a while and he is hilarious too. He had this weird deadpan sense of humour, short curt sentences delivered in an almost monotonous way, and it was really funny. Hannah's a live wire and KW is...well, we all know what he is (smarmy) and put the two of them together and you'll find yourself listening in horror to incestuous jokes and things along those lines.
Ew ew ew.
But hey, as KW would probably say ('cause that's always how he tries to justify himself), It's all in good humour, man.
Right. So says the guy who likes messing with people's heads. I've lost the same debate to him twice and it's really not amusing anymore because I don't lose to people, ever. And the worst part? It's only when I'm thinking about whatever he said that stumped me hours after the fact that I miraculously come up with things to say in reply.
Teh (misspelled on purpose) hell. I'm a slow reactor. This is why I really shouldn't be in law school.
Well, anyway, last night was fun, yeah. Good times.
It's 3.05 p.m. and I just had lunch and ran around the house chasing my brother who stole money from my table. Haha. I shouldn't leave my money lying around but damn, I'm too lazy to keep it properly.
Yesterday's driving lesson was a milestone in itself. Why? Because I hit 70km/h, OMG. YEAH I KNOW! I'm so proud of myself. Like, I was turning right into some expressway (okay, so I'm really bad with directions and shit) and it was a 70km/h road and my instructor kept saying, Go faster! The speed limit is 70! Step on the gas pedal!
So I pressed the pedal real hard and shifted to fourth gear and a while later, I was zooming, oh my god! So exciting.
Okay, I'm aware of how horribly lame I sound, but you have to understand that driving a car freaks the shit out of me. Wait, let me be more specific: Driving a manual car freaks the shit out of me. I have no affinity with how the car works and so I have no idea what each gear does. Of course, when people tell me things like, When you're moving off, you have to use the first gear 'cause it gives the car more power, I'd be all, Oh yeah, okay, I get it. And I think I get it, but I don't actually get it, because I have no idea what the hell that means, and I honestly don't give a damn. As long as a car moves, I'm fine. Who cares whether or not it has power? Hence, my gear shifting is crappy, and more importantly, I still cannot slow down properly. Stupid clutch lah. That's all I can say.
Also, it seems like I can't get through a lesson without stalling the engine at least once. And yesterday, I drove too fast or something and almost missed a turn, which was embarrassing as shit. And at the end of the lesson I asked my instructor, Am I very lousy? And he said I was slow! Oh my god.
I hate driving. Hate hate hate. But it's a necessary evil and I hate being violated on public transport even more than I hate driving I'll just grit my teeth and hope fervently for the day when I get my licence to come. But I haven't even passed final theory. Oh man. I HATE DRIVING.
It's 3.27 p.m. and I woke up at 12 noon and all I have done is this entry and lunch and chasing my brother around. I'm in no mood to study and I'm aware that I'm back to digging my own grave but the mere notion of Company Law turns me off. I don't wish for much, not anymore; I just want it to be over.
It's always the little things in life that keep you sane: a three-hour phone call with a dear friend, a crush on an emotionally unavailable guy, new episodes of Veronica Mars, chasing your brother around just because it's fun, laughing at your dad's expanding waistline, talking to your mom over lunch. But when all is said and done and you go back to your room and you're all by yourself again, you realise how much you have to do, and it's too little, way too late. I feel tired, defeated; I've always been one side of the extremist equation, never been able to straddle a comfortable middle ground. I'm out of my league and deracinated, and when something is a necessity, it becomes a chore. Going to school, studying, is a chore, and it shouldn't be this way.
If I could do things differently, I would make sure I stayed true to myself all the way.
I don't know what I'm doing.
You're wasted potential. I hate it when they say that, you probably hate it too, but that's just the way it is. I read your livejournal and I still wonder why you're not doing as well as you ought to be in school, why you're still that girl from last year who vowed to change her ways and take things seriously. And I gave up on you once but I'm not making that same mistake again. It's not easy to live up to your own expectations of yourself, and the person that always disappoints you the most is yourself. It's the same with me, everything I wanted to do with my life but failed to see through, the things I want to write but can't. We've always got each other on a precious, fundamental level, and it was this deep, unexplainable mutual understanding that words can't quite describe that got me through the latter half of last year. We don't talk or meet, but you're special to me, and yes, we really need to meet soon.
How does it feel to live life on the edge? We need to have a near-life experience.
Talking to KW makes me realise how damn sheltered I am. I don't do anything with my life. I don't even know why I deserve to have a life that I squander away like the decadent rich of society's luxurious filth. He calls me a nun and you know, I don't think that's too far from the truth.
The solution? I need to travel. I need to get out of this country, out of my comfort zone, see the freaking world. I need a voice and I can't have a voice unless I do something about it. Change my lifestyle, get wasted, get laid, whatever it is I need to do, travel. Because, fuck, I have nothing worth saying and that can't possibly be.
Maybe I should just go to India with my cousin and her friend. But something is stopping me, and I don't know what it is.
Lastly, Simon - dude. You are like one of my best friends. You are my best guy friend, period. I don't reply to my comments but I read all of them and I really appreciate yours. Thank you for everything. Sometimes I wish I were as optimistic as you; that'd definitely make life a lot easier, eh? I don't know.
Well, this entry has gone on for way too long. I need to...do some school-related stuff. Exams are coming. I can't wait to get them all out of the way.