It shouldn't be so difficult to spend time with a man that I like, but that's what it is, so I won't dwell this and how it makes me feel; instead, I will take some positive steps later today, depending on what he says in reply to my message ('meet this afternoon or tomorrow?' It's 1.51pm and he's not replied so this afternoon is off the table). I'll just stop hiding my feelings behind this veneer of casualness and chillness and just say that I want to see him.
Anyway, I don't want this to ruin my pretty good morning. I played my first mini league match of the new round and won it 7-4. I got off to a 5-0 lead, couldn't break for 6-0, couldn't hold for 6-1; so at 5-2, I was actually really relieved when I held for 6-2 and won the match. My backhand was mostly clicking today. I made a concerted effort to play the backhand properly.
I did get really irritated at myself, though, when a backhand which I thought I lined up properly for ended up hitting the net. I was so annoyed that I swore out loud (i.e. 'fuck!'). Also, I made a ridiculous unforced error when I ran forward to hit a backhand off this insanely short serve. All I had to do was to hit it down the line, i.e. one of my favourite shots, but I hit it wide. 'Dumbass!' was what I found myself shouting.
There's no good reason to get so competitive during these mini league matches. But I am competitive, and I am battling these mental demons, and I just want to be able to hit my backhand well in a match. And so I'm pleased that I did quite well on that front. I also hit quite a few winners, but my opponent was honestly below my level, so...yeah.
Lastly, I shouldn't have relented after I won 6-2 or whatever it was, but I became too relaxed and didn't really bother that much. Next time, I'll try to win as many games as possible.
Have to get my ass to the library.