anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

I am so over this.

This is a rather pointless entry, but I would just like to record that, as of right now, I do not want to remain in the UK after my PhD is done.

I was just reminded by Facebook of this trip to a heritage site that I went on with John, Josh, Raffie and Visa this time last year. It was a warm, sunny afternoon; I was in a skirt with no leggings, and I felt too hot in my 3/4-sleeved light jumper. We walked for hours and had a great time.

So the question is: why the hell is it still so cold? Why is it still so cold? I was playing tennis at 6pm on Sunday, and dark clouds appeared out of nowhere, and the wind started storming, virtually, for no rhyme or reason. It was cold yesterday too, and it is cold today as well. By 'cold' I mean 10-12 degrees celsius, which isn't the worst, but it is pretty uncomfortable and hence annoying.

I really like the UK, or at least, the parts of the UK where I have lived: everyone speaks English which is great, many speak with the sexy RP accent, British people love apologising which is so endearing, and England is the land of my favourite thing in the world (literature). But I can't take this weather. I really can't. I love playing tennis outside in the heat, I love swimming, I love going to the beach, I love going out with at most a light outer layer (a cardigan, a light jacket). Above all else, I am from the tropics - you can take the girl out of the tropics, but you can't take the tropics out of the girl.

Apart from the weather, I have more or less decided that I don't want to get a PhD from Cambridge just to make a measley 25,000 pounds a year or whatever the starting salary is. I mean, that's just a joke, is it not? The extent to which I have been bothered by the thought of making this kind of money at universities here has truly exposed the limits of my ambition. I am not saying that I would take a well-paid job at some random unknown uni for the sake of the money, but if the choice were between two reputable universities, one slightly more reputable but paid less than the other, I would take the one that paid more. I am so sick of not having any money of my own, and so I actually would not take a job at Oxbridge in the super unlikely and improbable event that I were to be offered one because the pay is absolutely terrible.

Relatedly, I think I am over the allure of Cambridge. I am generally impervious to how I am perceived or treated by others on the basis of things like ethnicity or gender (in my case, ethnicity AND gender), which is the privilege of growing up in a country where I am the majority race; but I have felt these things throughout my time at Cambridge. They are nothing that I can really point to or put my finger on, nothing that I can quantify; but they are vibes that I intuitively picked up, vibes that I'd literally never felt when I lived in London, the Hague, Amsterdam.

Overall, though, I don't care. I am confident of my abilities, I know that I have a great CV (not the best, but pretty decent), I know that I carry myself well, and you know, people can judge me on morally irrelevant factors like my ethnicity, my gender, and it's their problem, not mine. They are the ones who are worse off for it, for how limiting one's life and life experiences must be to have a limited worldview.

Anyway. It's 10.15am and I am not awake yet, so this entry isn't as coherent as it can be, but I have to get my ass to the library so I'll just leave it.
Tags: cambridge, rant

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