anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

After the Storm

After spending most of today hungover from the angst and moodiness of the past two days, at about 7pm, after my post-tennis shower and before dinner, a switch in me flipped, and just like that, the bad mood was gone. I mean, I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am super motivated to do my PhD now; let's not push it too far just yet. But the resentment has faded, and I am finally sort of excited about Hong Kong.

The only problem is, I have wasted so much time resenting my PhD and not wanting to have anything to do with it that I have not at all prepared for my presentation. I suppose I will spend some time tomorrow or Monday writing a sort of outline, then rehearse it in Hong Kong, in my amazing one-room apartment in Citadines Harbourview. There isn't anything that I find particularly attractive about Hong Kong anyway; the food does not appeal because I'm vegetarian (and no, I will not put it aside just to eat some authentic hargao; my principles are more important than my base appetite for food that unnecessarily causes death), and the shopping does not appeal because I only have a small suitcase so I don't have enough space, and because I find this consumer culture extremely vapid. John would scoff at this and bring up that time I spent 600 pounds buying clothes online, conveniently leaving out the part where I told him until I was blue in the face that I returned half of the items I bought; and I would be the first to admit to being quite materialistic, so the fact that I am not enamoured with this pervasive culture of consumerism that's the norm in places like Singapore and Hong Kong goes to show how vapid it really is.

That said, I do want to buy a handbag big enough for my laptop; I am not carrying my backpack to the conference, not when I'm going to be wearing nice dresses (though I don't yet know what I'm going to wear on the first day), and I don't have such a handbag, so I'll be doing some shopping on my first day there. Then rehearse in the evening. Then rehearse again the next morning. Then maybe go to Victoria Peak. Then there's a welcome dinner with the uni people, so dinner is settled. Then it's law and more law and pseudo-law (my paper) for the next two days. Then it's flying back to London on the last day, afternoon flight.

I am not particularly looking forward to going back to Cambridge, but whatever.


Related to the lifting of the bad mood is this: Gareth will be Gareth, and that's it. I will put in as much effort as I want, and he can respond as he sees fit, and I will not be bothered by his Gareth-y responses, or lack of them. What am I expecting from him, from this, anyway? I am so far from wanting a relationship with him because of all the uncertainties that it entails, so why should I be bothered by this? Why should I care more than what's necessary? Why should I be over-invested?

Besides, there's literally zero opportunity cost to seeing him, so I will scale back on the intensity, erase my expectations, and just let the wind take me where it blows.


I should write more. But I am tired. I am also aiming to finish my third reading of The Blind Assassin before I leave for Hong Kong, so I am going to read it now.
Tags: gareth, phd

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