I succumbed, and I got the biggest shock of my life, and it only further reinforces what I've known since the second week of Year 1 Semester 1: I AM IN THE WRONG FUCKING COURSE.
C for Company, C+ for Property, A+ for CLT.
My Company grade is pretty much expected and I'm relieved I didn't fail, so who cares. But C+ for Property? Oh my god. Like I said, this is completely ridiculous. It doesn't matter at all that I didn't hate the module, that my feelings towards it weren't as negative as my feelings towards all the other eight-credit modules I've taken save for Criminal Law. Have I mentioned how ridiculous this is? When I thought I might manage a halfway-decent grade for a fucking eight-credit fucking module, it comes back to slap me in the face with a goddamn C+.
Seriously. What the hell am I doing wrong?
Oh wait, I know the answer to that: I'm in law. That sums up every.single.fucking.thing.
Getting an A+ for CLT is pretty cool but I still got a pathetically embarrassing C+ for Property and it's been more than 12 hours and I'm still pissed off. That's it - I'm throwing in the towel. No more trying, no more giving a damn, I'll just do what I always do and get a 2-2. Who the fuck cares. I hate law school, I hate law, I'm meant to write and that's the be all end all.
Okay, so if we consider the fact that I didn't even manage to touch on any of the topics I did for the Property paper before the exam, it'd be obvious that I was severely over-reaching when I thought maybe I could get something that looks like a B. But still. I'm so sick of the old tried, tested and fucking boring excuse, "Oh I didn't study anyway." "Oh I didn't try anyway." "Oh I didn't care anyway."
Because seriously? Once you're out of JC you're not allowed to say such irresponsible bullshit, not anymore. Childish, immature, lame, a bunch of lousy excuses. Just grow up, once and for all.
More than ever I can't wait to get out of law school and get on with my life. This is the worst mistake I've ever made, bar none. Sucks for me, then, that, on a fucking balance of probabilities, this is more or less the rest of my life.
I want to do Literature, I want to write, I want to read poetry and die with a smile on my face because there's nothing else in the world that could be more beautiful than words. I want out so devastatingly badly and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. How tragic, how wrong, how irrevocable.
But I'm still me, and therefore I will find a way to deal.
Suddenly, I don't want to go to Bangkok anymore. The enticingly cheap shopping, all the short denim skirts I could buy, pure animalistic shopping madness, none of it do anything for me, not anymore. It's four days in Bangkok, then it's a couple of weeks of the semester break, then it's school all over again. I'm caught up in the moment, I'm struggling to compartmentalise, I'm exactly where I want to be.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The mocking irony in this phrase has never been clearer than it is now.