Anyway, despite my initially feeling weird and awkward, the night got better and ended on the good note. We met at the Cambridge Wine Merchant at 8.15, had a good glass of wine, then started to get chased out when it was five minutes to 9 - which was their closing time. We both agreed that it was lame that the place closed so early, considering it's a wine bar. At 9pm, one of the guys came over and basically told us to get out of there in 5 minutes. If it weren't for the fact that the place has good wine, I will never go back ever again. AND it's just occurred to me that I forgot to use my student discount. UGH. (I paid for this round because he bought both rounds of drinks on our first date.)
So after getting kicked out, we went to Ta Bouche and had more wine. He paid for this round; definitely a good move. We talked about his PhD, played 'guess the country flag' (He: 'I'm good with flags.' Me: 'I'm shit with flags.' Three rounds later. He: 'I love how I started this saying I'm good with flags, and I'm O for 3, and you said you're shit with flags, and you're 2 for 3.'), talked about the recent wars that the US has fought, judged the bad bowl haircuts of the two guys sitting two tables away from us...
At 11.30pm, he walked me home. At my doorstep, he implied that he'd like me to invite him in. Of course, I thought of the possibility of him coming into my room, so I cleaned up a bit in the day - which meant that I wasn't opposed to the idea. But in the end, I wasn't ready for it.
'I don't have anything to offer you,' I said. 'I don't have any alcohol, just water.'
'Water's fine,' he said, his expression expectant, hopeful.
A long pause later, I said, 'That would be nice. However, I would like to get to know you a bit more.'
Without missing a beat, he said, 'That's fine. When are you free again?'
He kissed me good night with greater intent this time. 'I can taste your chapstick,' he said, laughing.
Ah, his Americanism is cute. I hadn't heard 'chapstick' in ages. I find it cute too that he Americanises 'Hotel du Vin' and 'sauvignon' in 'cabernet sauvignon'. He's cute, really. I don't know if there's great chemistry just yet, and I'm not sure where this is going, and I wonder if he'd make good on his making up his failure to bring me Portuguese egg tarts by bringing me to the Portuguese place here, and I don't know yet if he's the sweet type...but I'd like to see him again. He pokes fun at me once in a while; he was particularly tickled when I complained about the bad weather on Tuesday or whatever it was, and how I'd left the house with my umbrella, about to walk to the law faculty; but the wind was howling and threatening to destroy my umbrella, and so I told him that I said, 'Fuck this shit, I'm taking a taxi.' He was amused by that; 'Cultured law student saying, "Fuck this shit!"'
I know, too, that he finds me physically attractive. He commented that I looked nice (in my head: 'I know.'), said something about bringing on a heatwave when I said that I usually wore shorter skirts than the one that I wore and that the leggings were for the cold weather, said something about men who try to get a hot woman to invite them in even after she's said no...
As always, though, and this makes little sense, I'm always a bit hesitant when a man is quite clearly physically attracted. I say that this makes little sense because why else would a guy swipe right on me on Tinder, right? That's kind of the most basic criterion to fulfil. But I suppose it's a bit different when this attraction becomes a little bit clearer, for it puts me on guard a little and makes me wonder about his intentions. Then again, this doesn't make sense either; why am I insinuating that there's something wrong with a man wanting to sleep with a woman?
I suppose the essence of what I'm trying to say is that any random man out there can form the intention or have the desire to sleep with me; but it's only a select few who would have the desire and capacity to know me, to see past the external aspects of who I am. Don't get me wrong; I love these external facets of my being and I am probably excessively confident about how I look. I literally never think that some other woman looks better than me, and whenever I feel ugly, it's because I think I look ugly compared to myself, not compared to someone else. But the downside is that it's disappointing when you like someone and you want him to be one of the select few, and he turns out to be just some random guy.
I'm not saying that Thomas is like that, of course. Frankly, I don't know if he is; although I don't think that he is, I don't know him well enough to be able to say for sure. And so my changing my mind about inviting him into my room. I'd actually feel more comfortable going over to his because I can leave at any time, but it's a lot harder asking someone to leave.
I will see him on Saturday. He needs to up his flirting game a bit. I deliberately chose a table with adjacent seats at Ta Bouche so that we'd be next to each other, but he definitely did not take advantage of that. We will see what happens on Saturday.
There was another guy on Sunday; it was an afternoon coffee date, so I wore jeans and a nice top. He was nice enough and seemed like a decent guy, but conversation was definitely noticeably forced and I'm not sure I would like to date someone who develops video games for a living. I was surprised when he texted to say it was nice to meet me, etc, and so I responded with a polite message that cut off, without saying so in as many words, the potential for future development.
I was also meant to meet this other guy tomorrow, but after going out with Thomas yesterday, I feel weird about meeting new people, so I cancelled it. Raffie also thought that I definitely shouldn't meet anyone new right now given Thomas, and he said, in typical Raffie fashion, that even if Thomas were seeing others (which is a safe assumption because Tinder), I would have the moral high ground if I'm not doing it myself. Having the moral high ground is, of course, of utmost importance to me. Not only that, while I assume that he's not only seeing me, I wouldn't really like it if he were going out with others.
In all honesty, though, I hate how complicated this style of dating can be. I am definitely susceptible to the 'grass is greener' mentality, especially with how easy it is to get first dates on Tinder. It keeps you wondering about who else is out there and distracts you from the person that you're currently seeing. So Raffie is absolutely right about me cancelling on the other guy. I wouldn't have met him with the correct intention anyway, so why waste time?
Speaking of wasting time: I have wasted so much time today and I want to finish that Madeleine Thien novel tonight so that I can read Julian Barnes's new novel tomorrow, so I'm just gonna post this and get into bed.