anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

I have to contain this, restrain myself a bit, hold back a little - and I will, after this slightly gushy entry.

I got tired of waiting for Thomas to ask me out again (no, I couldn't even last a day without losing patience). So after he sent me Part II of the Yalan Story (which is super cute), and he told me what he's found endearing about me so far, I said, 'So when am I seeing you again?'

He replied, 'When are you free?'

'Ummm Tuesday,' I said.

'Then Tuesday...7:00pm. I shall pick you up from yours.'

Have I ever mentioned, or pontificated on, how much of a turn-on it is when a man is decisive and takes control? Also: his coming to mine to pick me up sounds so adult and grown-up, like what actual people my age do when they're not trying to escape the realities of life by hiding in some crappy ivory tower in Cambridge.

Having said all that, and despite my liking a man who takes charge, I have decided that I do need to be in control of this situation after all. I am at the stage where I like him enough to not see or even talk to others, but not at the stage where I would be devastated if he texted me tomorrow to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. I am at a general stage in life where I don't want to waste time with someone who doesn't share my values and who isn't on the same page as me when it comes to dating. So I'm going to tell him that I'm not seeing anyone else, ask him if he is, and if he says no, I will tell him that I have HSV1; if he says yes, he's seeing other people, I will tell him goodbye. That's not because I irrationally and unreasonably expect commitment after 3 dates, but because it would tell me that he doesn't share my values, that we're not on the same page, and therefore any further engagement will be a waste of time, and any further foolish smiling to self when reading his messages will take me closer only to heartache.

Nope, ain't got time for that shit. In any event, a man who still wants to see other people when he has me is simply stupid and not worthy of my time. At least Matt, for all his faults (his laundry list of faults), deeply appreciated that one simple truth.


On another note, I think I have managed to pinpoint the root cause of my failed relationships, the fact that I am not just unmarried, but single, when I'm nearly 32, and despite the fact that there had been two men with whom I could see a real future.

I do not, or cannot, compromise. I do not, or cannot, compromise on fundamental values, where I want to live, what I want to do, the dreams that I chase blindly without thinking about what they are really worth to me. It is my way or the highway. I questioned Wei Chuen because religion, even if it wasn't an issue for him. I questioned Wouter because location, distance, his supposed shortcomings (which I am not sure even matter anymore); because he was Mr Perfect for six months and then he became astoundingly real and I didn't want to compromise.

If I were ten years younger, I would blame my parents for spoiling me to the point that I expect to get everything that I want; that I expect things to always go my way. But Julian Barnes wrote once that, when we reach a certain age, we are too old to blame our parents for our own flaws. I can't remember which age he'd stated, but I certainly think that I am definitely too old to place any blame on my parents. So the fault is all mine.

I suppose being aware of one's faults is the first step to cure. Or perhaps now I will be more alert to things that are likely to conflict with my values/desires in the future, so that I don't waste time on them now.

I have said this many times before but it bears repeating: it would be so nice to be simple.
Tags: dating, guys, never again, personal

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