anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

First, in a piece of semi-good PhD news, I have finally (sort of, roughly, more or less) finished Chapter 1. After a month and a half of labouring over this shit, it's finally (sort of, roughly, more or less) done. I still have to clean it up and add a section on my selection of cases, include another case, write a few sentences on how the cases could have otherwise been decided...but I have an introduction, a conclusion that doesn't make me want to vomit, and a body as sizeable as my disgusting belly. So it is more or less done, and I couldn't be happier.

Second, then: is this the cause of my current fantastic mood? My current euphoria seems awfully incongruous with my 20-minute 'date' with Thomas, during which he picked me up from the law faculty, seemed annoyed at me because he'd thought I was annoyed at him (misinterpretation of my text message), changed his mind about dinner, then suddenly said that he wanted to go home and think about things tonight. So this 'date' literally consisted of him picking me up and dropping me off. I guess the bright side is that I didn't have to walk home in the wretched cold weather.

Why should I feel so euphoric if there's a good chance that my brief romance with Thomas will come to an end tomorrow evening, when we will meet and talk about things? I am confused by the extreme contrast between the bleak despair that seized me last night and earlier today at about 5pm, and this sudden high that I am currently feeling. Is it purely the case that I am looking forward to a resolution of this situation, however it may go, even if it means losing him? Or am I so confident in the weird intuition that I had before that things will somehow work out (and by that I mean, of course, that we'd stay together) even if there's absolutely no logical basis for it? Or is this intuition really the following: things will 'work out' in the sense that I will be fine even if he decides to stop dating?

In any event, he's now forced my hand, so I will have to think about this - and by 'think', I think he'd meant reach firm conclusions. Of course I have thought about this situation; it's what I write about most these days. But all I've done is mull over my concerns, whine about how complicated life is, without taking a stand on what I intend to do about it, or what I want to do about it. In a way, like him, I have been avoiding it too. A part of me doesn't want to reach the conclusion that I cannot handle a long distance relationship with someone who has to be in the US for the next four years, for this would obviously mean that he and I will end, right now, just like that. Do I want that? I don't think I want that. Or rather: I don't want to stop seeing him. More positively: I want to keep seeing him.

So what should my premise be? What should be the fundamental principle of this thought process? In an ideal world, where I am unencumbered like a Rawlsian individual behind the veil of ignorance, the premise would obviously be this: I really like him, I want to keep seeing him, for the first time since Wouter I can see a future with someone, and I want it to work.

But this ideal world comes up against the harsh facts of how life really is. Even if the practicalities work themselves out - even if I got a job in the US or whatever - I honestly don't know if I can bear to live so far away from my parents. I'd wanted to go back to Singapore partly because it was the easy option, but also partly, if not predominantly, because of my parents. If I think about my post-PhD plans in this way, then am I not facing a choice between a man that I've known for two months and my parents who have supported and loved me all my life? And because I am Chinese, the virtue of filial piety is deeply ingrained; and it feels like I am going against that if I abandon this post-PhD plan and move all the way to the US, a country that I'd never visited until last year because it is simply so bloody far away.

But how else could it possibly work with Thomas if I didn't do that? How could it work with him in the US and me in Singapore, or anywhere that isn't wherever he is? He'd already said that he wouldn't be at liberty to travel to see me whenever he wants. While I could potentially do that, how long before I tire of it?

And then there's this: not seeing him since Wednesday made me a little bit crazy. Granted, I was harbouring stupid, ridiculous and utterly irrational thoughts (which I won't get into because they were stupid to the core) and I'd felt like I needed to see him to feel reassured; but I can't deny that there were moments, especially today, when this neediness was so overwhelming that I found myself thinking, 'I can't bloody do this long distance thing if I can't handle not seeing him for a few days.'

Also this: I know that I cannot survive living anywhere but in a big city. The past two and a half years in Cambridge have been seriously trying; I miss the big city lights, I miss the hustle and bustle of a big city, I miss the bigness of a big city. He'd mentioned last week that he's going to live in a town that's the size of Cambridge. I cannot deny that the thought had rather terrified me.

This entry is all over the place. I cannot organise my thoughts. I need to write this down, pen and paper, maybe a pros and cons list. It might seem that my decision is easy from what I've written so far: so many items stacked on top of each other on the 'cons' side of the list. And it would be easy if I could point to just one intractable thing about him that breaks the deal for me.

I can't think of anything, not even the fact that he's a meat eater. Not even that. Because against this rather important principle that he doesn't share, he has all these qualities that I want in a partner: stability, reliability, security; fitness, a love for culture, a love for language; and a lifestyle that roughly matches mine. Literally the only thing that's a potential dealbreaker here is his impending departure and the uncertainty that surrounds it.

I should give up, right? And I will if that's what he wants; I won't fight for a man who won't fight for me. But this time, not only does my heart want him, but it is crystal clear in my mind how he is right in many important ways.

Anyway. I'm going to try to watch the Indian Wells final between Roger and del Potro, shower, then get on this pros/cons list. This entry is going nowhere.
Tags: dating, never again, personal, phd
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