anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

Have I been here before? Have I felt this way before? How do I cope? Do I swallow my pride and talk to a stranger? Do I talk to a stranger and admit that I'm weak? Am I stronger than this? Can I get through this on my own?

An informal Public Law get-to-know-you session with a new hotshot. People talk about their projects at some length. I sum mine up in one sentence and end it with, 'That's all I am going to say.' People talk about various cases and academics and I don't know what they are saying, and worse still, I don't really care.

People seem to walk right through me. I cannot feel my feet on the ground. I shrink into the background, I make myself unnoticeable, I try and delay the inevitable moment when they realise that I don't belong here. I am a creep, a weirdo, sang Thom Yorke; what the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.

At a Meetup writing session, I am the weirdo once more with my emotive style that eschews describing action, and I do not know who Robert Harris is, and neither have I watched Star Wars, and I do not read Stephen King.

Did I feel this degree of hopelessness this time last year, when the rot first started to set in? Or has my sense of purposelessness been augmented by the latest disaster in my personal life? I had invested hope in him. He had represented himself as someone in whom I could invest hope. When I showed myself to him at my weakest, when I confided in him the struggles that I am going through, he chose to leave. Leaving me utterly heartbroken. Left by a man who could not see his own face; left by someone utterly unworthy.

For the first time since I came here, I am seized with an urge to quit, to give up, to stop this PhD, to leave. The past few years have been a sucession of failures in all forms. The most unforgivable failure is my failure to find any meaning in my existence here.

I had wanted to forgive him for bumbling through this 'relationship' without thinking things through and hence wasting my time, and I wrote him a letter stating this much. But how do I forgive someone who left me when I am at my weakest when he had promised that he would treat me properly and be a good boyfriend to me? How could he have done this? What kind of a person does this? What kind of a man does this? How could I have ever thought that he was reliable?

I don't know what I have done with my life, how I ended up here, what a mess I have made.
Tags: angst, never again, phd
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