anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,
anotherlongshot
anotherlongshot

Bloody Men Drama

I'm listening to the fireworks from the St Johns or Trinity May Ball from my room. I have showered and so I don't want to go out; otherwise, I might go out and see whether I can view them from somewhere along the streets. But as it stands, I'm sitting at my desk, trying to write some reflective lines about the clarity that I gained in Venice regarding the Never Again situation -- trying but failing, because yesterday he liked my Graduate Law Society post on Facebook and just with one trivial, cavalier, careless and thoughtless click of an inconsequential button, he wormed himself back into my consciousness. And so I'm sitting here thinking: we could have been there. Or more realistically: we could have been somewhere in town, watching the fireworks. Instead, he's the only person whom I have ever meaningfully blocked from my phone and my Facebook; instead, I am sitting here, mired once more in the lost potentiality and unable to let the logical, rational conclusions that I have reached deliver me from yet another round of letting this person, this utterly unworthy and useless 'man', drag me down.

All this just because of a stupid Facebook like. Bear in mind, though, that we were never friends on Facebook; that the post was set to public; and so he'd consciously looked up my profile for whatever reason.

I am fighting the urge to text him. Say: Why did you do that? Say: Don't ever remind me of your existence ever again. Say:

Say what? Everything that I wanted to say has been said. Whatever I had hoped he would answer in response -- in a letter, in an email -- has not been said, will never be said, and I know, I know, my closure is entirely my own. I know he was awful, I know I was right all along, I know that spending another second thinking about him is a complete waste of my brain matter and time -- time better spent staring at the blank wall. Anything but him.

And yet, this continues to hurt, and I am frustrated, so utterly frustrated, that he continues to have this power over me. Who even is he? Who is he? A useless man who dumped me at my weakest, who did not have any emotional intelligence whatsoever to know me, who had not the emotional capacity to like me, let alone love me; and yet claimed that he did, said all these meaningless words that was an absolute travesty, no one should ever use words so loosely, especially not to someone who loves them. He is an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. He is nothing. He would have been nothing even if I had never kick-started the breaking up process at the beginning because he revealed his true character the two times he left me when I got emotional. That is who he is, not the fantasy nobody that I dreamed up in my head. That is the person that I 'dated' for four months, not the reliable, stable and dependable real man that I'd thought he was.

Forget it, forget it, there is nothing left to be said. Better for him to think that I am happily dating someone else than for him to know just how much his stupid Facebook activity has affected me. I have too much pride to let someone so inconsequential and useless to know the truth.

*

On another note, it seems that Fred has actually blocked me. He'd wanted to return me the stupid 12 quid for the movie at the tennis club. As I won't be going there before I return to Singapore on Thursday, I said, rather brusquely, 'Forget about it. I won't be going there until August.'

He replied, 'Ok you are right let's forget about it altogether. Good luck with your thesis. It has been great meeting you for a while but I just don't want to be one of your "accessory" friends. La vie est bien trop courte! [Life is too short]'

I read it when I was at lunch with John, but because I was at lunch with John, I didn't reply until about 2pm. I sent another longer message at 4pm. It's now 11pm and both messages are still marked with a single grey tick.

I am actually quite upset by this. I am not just annoyed that he'd do this without saying anything first, without clarifying whatever is going on between us, without either asking why my responses have been short (because I was offended by his keenness on paying me back for the movie), or explaining what was going on in his mind. I am upset by this because I thought we were at least friends. And now he doesn't even want to talk to me when it was never once clear that he'd liked me? Was I asleep when it was decided that we were dating? I'm sorry I arranged to meet another guy after going out with him. In retrospect, it was a poor decision because it was Gross Guy and he'd ever only been after one thing with me (and so many girls from college), so yes, I was wilfully blind to what I was getting myself into.

In my defence, however, I didn't think that the movie was a date. Fred made no plans to do anything before or after the movie. I had to text him a few hours before to confirm what time to meet. The one time we did go out for dinner, he did nothing to signal his interest: no physical contact (that I can remember; and since I can't remember, it means there wasn't that much of it), no flirting, didn't try to kiss me... And the weeks before that, I was dropping so many hints for him to ask me out, saying how I really wanted to go swimming (he goes to the Parkside pool), how I wanted to go to the Thirsty thing opposite Magdalene, a bunch of other things; but he'd never acted on any of these hints. He never went out of his way to try and see me. He didn't even suggest meeting briefly when he was in the area of where I live.

So on what basis was I to think that he was interested in me? Accordingly, why would I have thought that Saturday was a date? Perhaps I was wilfully blind; but honestly, unless a man makes his interest explicit (physical contact, tries to kiss me, keeps asking me out), I'm not someone who assumes that every man who wants to spend time with me also wants to date me. Is it really so shocking for a man and a woman to spend time together without either party expecting anything more to materialise? Was I really wrong to assume that we were just friends?

Because I am someone who can't let things go until I have had my say, I was thinking of how I might convey my blocked messages to him (no, I'm not good at respecting boundaries). Then I remembered that I have two phones and two numbers. So whether he likes it or not, he's going to hear my side of the story, and then I will let it go.

*

I think I was also disproportionately upset by this because of the Never Again shit. Namely: I couldn't help but think when I was in the shower, 'Why does everyone end up leaving me?' Of course, it's irrational and not even factually true; but Fred blocking me feels exactly like that.

I really can't wait to go back to Asia. I'm so sick of this place. Definitely moving to London, even if it means living in a shoebox (which, of course, isn't going to happen; just saying for dramatic effect).
Tags: guys, never again
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