Now, it seems to be populated by beings with whom I have little in common save a formal legal status--a common citizenship. But what does this mean if I no longer derive pleasure and feel excitement at the things and activities that give substance to the form? Perhaps worse still: if, increasingly, I despair at the moral inertia that entrenches these activities, at the emptiness of some pursuits, at the predictability of most lives?
At some level, I am convinced that academia, in an important sense, serves little purpose other than to confer on its practitioners a sense of superiority to those others whom they deem less clever, less aware, less discerning, less intellectual. In an important sense, I count myself as one of them. It is staggering that there are truths so obvious to me which most people are either too lazy or stupid to grasp--and Singapore, with its non-progressive society and its idiotic food obsession, is a microcosm of that. So people like me do a higher degree, read a bunch of philosophical texts, learn to expose the logical flaws in someone else's reasoning, and end up doing very little with it except to judge others from an ivory tower buttressed by flatulent moral philosophy and hollow ideals that the world urgently need to adhere to, but pretty much never will.
I have lost so much love with this place over the past five weeks. The rot is fundamental; it begins from home. I skipped a family lunch today (for Christmas...in all honesty, I don't care about Christmas) because I could think of a million things I'd rather be doing--staring at a blank wall, running a full marathon at 3 in the afternoon, working on my PhD--than to sit through another event with food and comments like, 'Poor thing, you have nothing to eat!' The perennial problem has, of course, become worse ever since I became full vegetarian; and this time round, I no longer permit myself the moral laziness of making an exception for my favourite food which contains fish (for what's the point of an ethical commitment if its carve-outs cannot be justified on grounds other than sheer laziness? Is it still a commitment in that case?). The irony is that I am fitter than I have ever been in my life, and fitter than many of them, on my 'nothing to eat' diet. It seems to me that other people's lack of creativity and imagination isn't quite my problem. What is my problem, and it is a problem for all of us, especially people who procreate, is that the immoral and unethical dietary habits of others have a direct and detrimental impact on the world that I live in.
The facts are out there, but nobody seems to care. I have never been one to have a good opinion of humanity. After the past few weeks in Singapore, this opinion has only plummeted.
Our speciesism is unreasonable and probably unjustified. Our disregard for the lives of non-human animals is immoral and shocking. Our carelessness with the environment is depressing and staggering. And in the midst of all this environmental degradation and mass murder of millions of animals, we are reproducing without a further thought. Like animals, some might say. And yet, we justify our actions, our domination of non-human animals, with the claim that we are superior--but superior how? Surely it can't be intellectual because most people haven't the slightest idea why they procreate; worse still, some people actually believe that it is right to eat meat because religion. Surely it can't be moral either because there is nothing morally right about the way that we live.
The human life is riddled with so much pointlessness. It seems to me that our lofty ideals such as freedom and autonomy are made up for the fundamental purpose of making us feel better about the utter pointlessness of existence. Because once stripped bare, it can be reduced to exactly this: we live, we eat, we shit, we fuck, and we die. But unlike other animals whose existence is precisely that pointless, we don't just get on with our pointless living; we have to drag the entire planet and other animals down with us.
This is just one of the many things that is bothering me right now.
I have made a mental list of the people that I would invite to my presumed wedding. The number of people that I would like to see at my wedding is less than 15.
(On a more frivolous note: it will be vegetarian, of course; and black tie, somewhere classy as fuck. Also, Etienne might be saved from blowing his money on a Tiffany diamond ring once I become convinced of the unethical practices of the diamond industry. There is hope for him yet.)
I am extremely disillusioned with everything. I am especially disillusioned with my own existence.