anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

A Bad Start

My return, or trip back, to the UK has been fraught with tension, homesickness, despair, self-doubt, a loss of meaning, and a general feeling that I would rather be anywhere in the world but here ('here' denoting the place where I currently live), quite possibly by myself.

I spent the morning of 1 January in tears because not spending New Year's Eve with my parents, in particular my mom, made me very upset; in a rage at the drunken mess that my housemates and their friends left in the kitchen; and in a tiff with E because he snapped at me and I generally do not take well to being snapped at when I'm already upset. I tried to run but my bowels were feeling weird, so I stopped after 10 minutes and sat, staring out at the track, texting Rui and Mag, feeling so alone and sad.

Seeing E again after six weeks of being apart has not been great. Our spending four consecutive nights together in my room, spacious for one but too small for two, tested my patience for reasons that I don't quite understand myself. More things about him began to bug me. I began to dislike it when he put his arm on me in the middle of the night.

I am not sure if this relationship can survive my caprices, my sudden and inexplicable change of heart, the way everything good that comes my way somehow becomes bad.

I am not sure if Paris can ever be on the table for me.

These days, I have been feeling like I am in two places at the same time: physically in the UK, emotionally in Singapore. But I am just one person; I cannot straddle two vastly separate locations without incurring a cost to myself. These days, then, I am tired of coming and going like I have done over the past three years, tired of leaving the place where my heart is even as my mind rails against it, of being in it for a few weeks twice a year at most.

Once again, I am tired of the PhD, uncertain about academia, not wanting to do this anymore but not knowing what else to do.

I think it would neither be untrue nor unfair to say that E, in all likelihood, will never understand me. But this speaks to him as a person, for the person who had understood me in the past is someone who is--and to put it politely--pretty messed up.

I had a nightmare about this person: I was engaged to him. Two days before the wedding, I found myself seriously wanting to call it off, and one reason was that I loved someone else. I told him as much, and he was nonplussed, saying he'd wanted to marry me only for the sex.

2019 has not gone off to a good start. I'm just...I just can't.
Tags: angst, e, neb

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