anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

i keep on falling

np: Alicia Keys's "Fallin'" in my head.

I finished my Chinese composition, which was due last Friday at 3, but I couldn't write so I brought it home. We're supposed to write about a personal experience that has taught you something. I wrote about my darling Ian (that was heavy sarcasm, for those who don't know me). And the lesson I learnt? Be overly trusting, and you get burnt. Go near the fire, and you get burnt. Open yourself up, and if you still wonder why you're left wide open without any sparks of life, you'e a true retard.

I think I'm over him though. I don't know, he was The Light at age 14...The Light whom I haven't heard from in over a year. Some light, eh? More like some friend. It's not like he was my boyfriend or whatever, not even close, and I don't suppose I ever wanted him to be, but that isn't the point. It's trust. I trusted him when I couldn't trust anyone else. (You know, angst and all things beautiful.) I was so young, and naive, and since I go to a girls' school, painfully sheltered when it comes to the opposite sex. I still don't know what to make of all these...the whole Ian bullshit. He was suicidal (or is, I don't know/care), so perhaps he's dead. And you know, that's just too bad.

Okay, I don't mean that. But yeah. I can't stand people who are insensitive, and dense, 'cause I hate it when people pester me, especially when it's rather obvious that I don't want to be bothered. I bite, okay? When I'm bothered or pissed off, or whatever. And hard. So please quit blaming me. Look deeper, deep within you, and see that it's your fault. Okay?

I am so goddamned sick of being blamed for everything. It's my fault the Ian thing became like that, my fault that my parents don't love each other anymore, my fault that I was born, my fault that I can't handle a good relationship. Fuck that. I can't help it, I'm just this girl who tries but falters. And I can't help that. So, just, quit blaming me, 'cause It's Not My Fault. Thank you.

Tags: angst, family, guys, ian, personal, school

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