anotherlongshot (anotherlongshot) wrote,

I wish it were easier.

Roger's luck at Cincy got better/worse (depending on which camp you're in) as his 3rd-round opponent, Philipp Kohlschreiber, didn't even show up for the match and punched in a walkover.

So now Roger's on to the quarter-finals barely playing a full match on the tennis courts of the Cincinnati Masters, a title he's supposed to defend. Some of his fans think the rest he's been getting from not playing matches would do him good; but because I'm eternally pessimistic, I'm convinced that he's going to struggle against Nikolay Davydenko.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope -

I hope for quite a number of things. For instance, I hope you'd keep your word; I hope you wouldn't forget. More precisely: I hope I mean enough to you for you to try.

Now I'm hoping that our inherent differences, our lack of similar interests, our vastly dissimilar personalities, wouldn't tear us apart. Sometimes I ask myself if my deep-seated fear of losing you is borne out of habit and the familiarity of always having you around. I tell myself that if that were the case, I shouldn't be in this relationship anymore because it would cease to be about the person and start being about the thing. But it's still not about the thing. I can't imagine being with anyone else. When I imagine being with someone else I just don't want to be in a relationship at all. What is the point of having something if it's something that's not good?

I don't struggle to think of what I like about you. I can easily name a few instances in which you did something sweet for me, and went out of your way to do so. I'd like to think that I don't take you for granted. I remind myself every now and then of the things you've done for me, so that I don't forget. Seamus Heaney's The Walk is my favourite poem and I gave it to you and no one else because that's how I hope we'd end up.

And because I love you, I have gone out of my way to turn a blind eye to things that would have made me really pissed off in the past - things that would definitely piss me off if someone else had done it instead of you. Because I know you, I've tried very hard to let a lot of things slide and tell myself that it's just the way you are. I've succeeded on more than one occasion too.

Perhaps I should be a better girlfriend. Perhaps I should be different. Maybe I should just stop expecting things from you and let go of everything and just take things as they come. Maybe I should stop expecting you to do the things that you say you'd do, and stop expecting you to let me know when you can't do them. Maybe then I'd stop ruining thinsg all the time. Maybe that would make us a happier couple.
Tags: love, relationships, wei chuen

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