I am struggling so much with this job that I honestly believe that a significant portion of the stress is the mental exhaustion that results from forcing myself to go to work every day, to do things that I personally don't care for. I mean, can you really say that the work that goes in the a law firm has the same effect as saving someone's life? I just simply fail to see the importance, the impact, of the things that I do in the grander scheme of things.
That said, I'm not selfless enough - at all - to purport to claim that I want a job in which I can change people's lives. I think, to a large extent, I couldn't care any less about people's lives. I think, and I think this is very true, I do "kind things" for selfish reasons most of the time, i.e. it makes me feel good and allows me to place myself on a moral pedestal and thumb my nose at the people whom I deem lacking in morals and civic consciousness. I may feel good about myself after a succcessful, albeit routine, PTC, but ten seconds later I'm back to my morose and hateful self, getting annoyed when work refuses to leave me alone on my day off. Do I want to do - or think I want to do - human rights law because I really want to help people, or do I want that simply for its own sake, because I'm interested in it as an academic pursuit? I think it's more a case of the latter than the former.
I suppose the legal profession is about problem solving. If that were the case, I think it's telling that I never once liked any of my problem-solving mathematics questions in primary school or whenever it was. Senior Associate likes getting a new set of fact pattern and figuring things out; on the other hand, I absolutely hate dealing with the mundane stuff, the down-to-the-bone facts, and I must admit that when I listen to my roomie talk about her cases, I can't help but imagine how badly I'd want to stab myself in the eyes if I had to deal with her cases.
And there's also the very real, very important problem of how I detest the antagonistic nature of the work because I'm not a confrontational person by nature. I may bitch at a person, but I do so in my head, or sometimes to a friend; I hardly ever do it to a person's face. I'm quite aware that it makes me cowardly, but the truth is that I hate having to deal with the awkwardness of being in the same room as someone who has issues with me, let alone speak to the person face-to-face. I get it in a vague sense, the antagonistic things that people do in this line of work; but I don't agree with it because it makes everyone's lives even more difficult and I think it's plainly unnecessary.
Above all else, I think it's extremely telling that, for someone as arrogant as me, I don't feel even an ounce of arrogance about the position I'm in.
Wei Chuen and I watched The Social Network. The story wasn't the most exciting story to ever be told, but it was engaging because it was extremely well-written. I was quite surprised that it didn't generate much laughter as I thought it was really funny. I especially liked the joke in the first scene in which Mark kept telling his girlfriend not to study, and when his girlfriend asked why he kept doing that, he said, "Because you go to B U." As in Boston University.
Then again, I wouldn't have caught that "B U" stood for Boston University if I hadn't been reading the Chinese subtitles at the same time.
I like this kind of humour - condescending remarks by really intelligent people who don't let you forget that they're smarter than you. I especially liked how Mark out-smarted the lawyers in the movie. In fact, I kind of loved that.
I'm too sleepy to think of other things to write.