I drove to the Sub Courts. I went for tutorial just to sign against my name. I sat next to Rui. The tutor talked to the two, three students in front of him. I left the Sub Courts. Rui and I went to the dim sum place across the road for food. Rui went home (safely). I drove to Dempsey. I sat at Dome. I drank a latte. When my drink arrived I decided I really wanted it iced. I drank my warm latte. I sat on the couch and did nothing. I got up to go to the toilet. The toilet had a 'cleaning in process' sign outside. I gave up. I went to the counter. I paid. I walked out of Dome. I got into my car. I turned on the engine. I drove off.
I drove into law school. Remembered the days I took three intensive modules a semester. Remembered the days I had 6.30 PM classes every day for three weeks, then two-day weeks every week after that. Remembered driving to school sometimes, not really wanting to be there, going for classes, always complaining about the amount of things I had to read (but never did), dreading assignment deadlines but eventually deriving some fun in doing the papers.
Remembering law school, what it felt like to be there in anticipation of the future. Not at all what it feels like to be there, already in the future I was once anticipating, and not really liking it one bit.
Not liking it at all.
Driving here and there, walking here and there, taking the MRT, going to places, and then waiting around for anyone to tell you what you even got there for. Waiting around for someone to tell me what the hell I'm doing here. What the hell it is that apparently drove me to decide this was what I wanted?
Thing is, the flimsy decision wasn't a real one. My hubris got the better of me four years ago; it got the better of me a year ago. Thing is, I'm doing this not out of any real desire for it, not because it's what I've wanted since I was born; I'm doing this because it looks like the logical consequence, because everyone else is doing it, because it seems like the correct thing to do. But then again, if the starting point that got me here was fundamentally flawed, does it not taint everything that comes after it? I want to use a legal terminology here that fits, something to do with illegality tainting something, but I don't remember what it is.
It's fine and dandy if I just plodded along and went with the flow. Too bad I had to stop and think about this. About what I'm doing, why I'm doing, whether there was any real thought given to the process.
Not really. Not at all. The decision I undertook when I was 19 was made ultra vires. And now, this next step, I don't even know.
Tired from the internal melodrama. Tired of being unhappy, dissatisfied, feeling empty day in day out, feeling listless and bored, feeling aimless, direction-less. Deracinated, once again. Breathing underwater.
Feels like an old familiar scene. Feels like the first two years of law school.
Feels like I've lost myself all over again.
I really intended to go home from Dempsey but I found myself not turning left from Upper Bukit Timah road to the way home. I found myself going straight, to Dairy Farm, then turning left to Dairy Farm, then going straight, all the way to Wei Chuen's house.
To say he's incredibly sweet would be an understatement. He wiped away my tears and held me close to him, and logically I knew what he was saying was right, and rationally I agreed; but oh my god, felt fucking emotional, couldn't think at all, I sat next to him with his arms around me and cried.
I feel lost and bewildered, driving straight ahead on expressways desperately looking for a road that sounds familiar to me, lost and confused, and lost...and then he brings me home.